Hi, I have photos and words.
This is where it all started. At the airport. Where we slept on the floor and weighed everything we could find on the luggage scales. I now know how much my crotch weighs.
Anthony sleeps with mistress Ryanair while I explore the airport and hide his belongings. The airport at night is much like bum town, if bum town were to be kitted out with a tannoy system to inform the bums of vital travel information.
Movie Park is where we ended up first. Its one of those parks that use "hey, its BACKSTAGE" as an excuse to be as bland as a field of warehouses and cut theming short, leaving the structure exposed.
I despise these parks. Even Disney's efforts in this genre make my cringe. The whole "escapism" and illusion of a movie relies on the fact that as a viewer, you only see the pristine, composed shots the director wanted you to see.
At a movie PARK, you might get dipped in a great story and setting every now and then, but once you step outside the generic tin shed the whole story, atmosphere and illusion is dispelled.
It's about as jarring and stupid as the cast of a great film breaking the fourth wall and shouting "HI MUM" at the camera every scene. You feel stupid for allowing yourself to take is seriously and wonder what the purpose of the whole event was, since it was apparently just a fake.
Anyway...
Movie Park has some rides. This is a wooden coaster called "Bandit"
Somewhere between shuffling out the station on chewed hamster ball wheels and jostling towards the lifthill on track that feels like a long row of Toblerone, you realise what lies ahead of you probably isn't going to feel all that comfortable.
About here you start to compose yourself in weird contorted positions, trying to fend off the full body assault of this train wreck of a ride
"IT WINDED ME AND COLLAPSED MY LUNGS BEFORE I COULD RECOVER"
"No Hands! No, seriously, not a bone left in my hands!"
Yeah...
But it did have one good bit!
It has these cool things that stop the train and put an end to all the pain.
Honestly, the worst STANDING wooden coaster I've ever been subjected to. Psyclone at Magic Mountain was basically the exact same ride in the exact same condition, but at least THAT park had the decency to put its rabid wooden animal down.
Next up was one of those SLC things. Thankfully, not a bad one. The usually horrendous finale rolls were actually splendidly smooth, which was nice as I finally got to experience what they were designed to feel like.
Still, its nothing special. And with the rest of the park so shockingly mediocre, there really needed to be something special here instead of an average clone coaster.
Oh, what’s that?
They USED to have a unique coaster?
But they removed it?
I see…
Oh, but this was good.
Despite sitting alone in a barren patch of... tar, this ride was nicely dressed up.
If it had been placed with the (similarly themed) Top Spin, they could have shared surroundings and further enhanced the mechanised industrial atmosphere, but since it was run on a good cycle, I'll let it have credit anyway
'Sup guys. Enjoying that spine-straightening burst of power at the end of the cycle? =)
On the other side of the park, in the supposedly "new" section (which actually consists of relocated, recycled crap and sparse new additions or theming), there is a Wild Mouse coaster. Best in the park, frankly.
Gave a wicked little pop of airtime on a couple of the drops and the exposed cars really aided the terror of the high-rise hairpins
"The colours! They melt retinas!"
Whoever makes this version of the Wild Mouse classic deserves a pat on the back for these great little carts.
Replacing the solid side walls with gappy metal bars is wicked mean!
The above is one of those failures of a kiddy coaster that entertains neither adult nor child. By the time a kid is tall enough to ride, they are old enough to find this ten-foot, four-second joke about as scary as a broken swingset.
Yeah, you go guys! Go get your
one lap
Besides that, my and Ant had fun harassing parents and children on the Splash Battle (turn the handles slow enough and you can arch a lovely stream of water right onto people's crotches) and squeezing in a ride on the drop tower as it finally opened from breakdown about an hour before park close (also happened to be the best ride in the park).
Played with the fountains, corrupted young minds, and left.
Now, I know that was a harsh report, but I seriously can't sugar coat this dire park. Flies visibly breeding on the food, horrible queue conditions, distinctly average rides, unreliable and broken attractions and as proven by their latest investments, no desire to improve.
Typically, when you visit a venue with low expectations, a magical psychological thing happens and you walk away thinking "well that was actually quite good!", but I somehow left feeling even less amused than when I entered.
God, if I hadn't had fun friends and decent people in my company that day, I'd have peeled my own skin off from boredom!
Thankfully the rest of the trip featured WONDERFUL other parks and rides infinitely better =)
Not to mention the AWESOME fair saving the day. Which happens to be the next trip report I’ll be doing