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Rate the joke above

Ollie

Ollie

CF Legend
9/10
I liked that one :lol:

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
 
T

Tom

Hyper Poster
It was alright. 6/10

Here's a long one!

A man hired by a construction company was asked to fill out the details of an accident that put him in the hospital after less than an hour on the job. His job was simply to carry an excess of bricks from the top of a two-storey house down to the ground. This is his meticulous report:

"Thinking I could save time, I rigged up a beam with a pulley at the top of the house, and a rope leading to the ground. I tied an empty barrel on one end of the rope, pulled it to the top of the house, and then fastened the other end of the rope to a tree.

"Going up to the top of the house, I filled the barrel with bricks. Then I went back down and unfastened the rope to let the barrel down.

"Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was now heavier than I, and before I knew what was happening, the barrel jerked me into the air. I hung onto the rope, and halfway up, I met the barrel coming down, receiving a severe blow on the left shoulder.

"I then continued up to the top, banging my head on the beam, and jamming my fingers in the pulley. When the barrel hit the ground, the bottom burst, spilling the bricks.

"As I was now heavier than the barrel, I started down at high speed. Halfway down I met the empty barrel coming up, receiving severe lacerations to my shins.

"When I hit the ground, I landed on the bricks, receiving several cuts and contusions from the sharp edges of the bricks. At this point, I must have been confused, as I let go of the rope.

"The barrel came down, striking me on the head, and I woke up in hospital.

"I respectfully request sick leave."
 
Ollie

Ollie

CF Legend
Well this topic isn't that old so im going to bring it back up to stop more people making joke topics. :roll:
Anyway I give the joke above a 3/10 as I didnt get it. :oops:

My joke
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?

Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
 
danielfitzgerald99

danielfitzgerald99

Hyper Poster
^ meh/10

All the 100 nuns in a nunnary are called to the head nuns office and she says..

"Sisters, I found a condom on my office floor last night"
99 nuns gasp and one giggles


"IT WAS USED!"
99 nuns gasp and one giggles

"Oh, and by the way, there was a hole in it"

100 nuns gasp
 
Ollie

Ollie

CF Legend
7/10

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
8/10 get it mostly

A cat is stuck in a tree because a dog is waiting at the bottom. The dog is trying to pull the tree down to get the cat out of the tree.

God says: "I've had enough of this!" And throws the cat out of the tree.

The tree won't move and the bottom hurts...
 
Pokemaniac

Pokemaniac

Mountain monkey
Staff member
Administrator
Moderator
What was that supposed to mean?/10

A farmer is working on his field one day when a foreigner appears. Since the sun is setting and his clothes are wet, the foreigner asks for a room to sleep in for one, single night.
"Well, sure, there's an unused room in my barn", the farmer says. "You can sleep there"
"thanks", the foreigner replies. "But can I borrow something from you? I need an orange, a two day old newspaper, a jug of water, and some salt and pepper. Can I borrow that from you?"

The farmer gives the man what he requested, and goes to sleep.

In the middle of the night, the farmer is woken by a load sound from the barn, like a train running through a rockslide in strong winds. He peers out of his window, to see that the noise is coming from the foreigner's room. But as he is a gentleman, he don't ask the foreigner about what happened in the night, and the next day the farmer is given all his items back, seemingly untouched. The foreigner walks away, thanking the farmer for his kindness.

A year passes, and one day the farmer is working on the fields, the foreigner againg comes walking asking for a room to sleep in, and the same mysterious items; an orange, a two day-old newspaper, a jug of water, and some salt and pepper. The farmer gives him the items, and is once again woked in the middle of the night by some terrible noise from the barn. But being a gentleman, he won't ask the foreigner about the noise, and the next day he is given all the items back, again seemingly untouched. The foreigner then leaves, thanking the farmer for his kindness.

A year after that, the foreigner once again appears on the farm. The farmer just points at the door to the room in the barn, and tells the foreigner that his items already is there, placed by him the same morning.

But again, the farmer is woken by a terrible, rattling noise from the barn. There is a point when the curiousness in a man is stronger than the noblety, and the farmer had reached that point. The next morning, when he gets his items back (again in the same condition), he asks the foreigner:

"What the (censored) were you doing in there tonight?"

"Well, I can tell you, but it's a secret, so you must promise not to tell ANYONE ANYTHING about it..."
And the farmer promised, swearing to god that he would never do. And he never did...
 
L

lol

Mega Poster
That's not a joke. Can someone explain the one about the dog the cat the tree and the god to me please?
 
Screaming Coasters

Screaming Coasters

Strata Poster
3/10 I got bored reading it, toooo long! It's a type of joke where it NEEDS to be told by someone in a comic act or a mate or something.

Heres a short and sweet one...



Why did the baker get brown fingers?


- Because he needed a poo!
 
danielfitzgerald99

danielfitzgerald99

Hyper Poster
Because John91 sat on them.



A pregnant woman is shot 3x in the stomache and nine months later has 3 babies. 2 girls and a boy.

When they are all 13 one of the girls comes down looking worried and says that a bullet came out when she went for a piss. The woman tells her daughter about what happened.

A week later the same thing happens with the other daughter and the woman tells her the story as well.

A week later her son comes down and says

"Err..Mum?"

The Mom sighs and says

"Let me guess, you peed and a bullet came out"

He says

"Umm..no I had a w*nk and shot the cat"
 
I

Ingested Banjo

Mega Poster
Eww 4/10

I liked pokemaniac's joke though. That one should've got 8/10 I actuallly laughed at it.

Anyway, here's a family joke passed down from generation to generation, so you'd better enjoy it.

Q What's the difference between a duck?

A One of its legs is both the same!
 
SFMMMan

SFMMMan

Mega Poster
What? ?/10

A Vampire bat went out to hunt one night. When it came back the tree, his face was covered in blood and his stomach was bloated. All his other bat friends asked, "Where did you get all that blood?" The other bat replied, "See that tree over there?" "yeah," his friends replied. And in a weak voice, the other bat said, "I didn't."
 
jayjay

jayjay

Giga Poster
Good, albeit a bit old. 7/10

A man has been driving in his car since the early morning and decides he's too tired to carry on, so he pulls over and starts sleeping. A moment later, he's awoke by somebody knocking on the window, so he winds it down and sees a man.
"Excuse me mate, do ya have the time?"
"Yes it's 11.00pm." He goes back to sleep. Later another man knocks at his window and asks for the time.
"It's 11.15 but I want to sleep." He decides he's had enough of this, so he writes "I don't know what time it is" on a sheet of paper, sticks it to the window and goes back to sleep.

Later, somebody knocks on the window again. The man opens the window and the person outside says
"It's 11.45."
 
I

Ingested Banjo

Mega Poster
9/10 I'm feeling generous, haven't heard it before and it made me smile


I got this one off wikipedia

Q How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?
A A finite number, one to perform the task, and the others to act in a manner stereotypical to the group in question.

You gotta be clever to get this one...
 
S

Sam

Giga Poster
How do you know if your sister is on her period?

Because your dad's cock tastes like ****.
 
A

Anonymous

Guest
Good old Chuck Norris jokes:
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
 
divvie_dave

divvie_dave

Mega Poster
Can't beat a good bit of Norris
--------------------------------------

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'


,Dave
 
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