Will
Strata Poster
TLDR: I went to Germany. I got a cred that wasn't great and it was cold and it rained.
I was very honoured to receive a nomination for best trip reporter, so I’d be lying if I said I’m not a bit more nervous than usual about this one…
So, as you know, I had the joys of COVID recently and decided that since they’d relaxed their entry requirements in early January, I was going to treat myself to a trip to Germany once I could get out of the house. I hadn’t been to Germany since 2017 – my Easter trip had been marred by car trouble, excessive driving and even more excessive whisky consumption (OK, the Maiden gig was amazing, but I shouldn’t spend days on holiday unable to get out of bed). I went back to Phantasia in December 2017 but hadn’t seen Germany since.
My flights were at extremely uncivilised times, so I intentionally ****ed up my sleeping pattern to mirror my Mum’s and checked into a Travelodge near Stansted. As a rule, I’m (unfairly) rude about Essex, but I did take the time to acknowledge the fact that I’ve rarely had a bad night there and that the last time I’d slept there had been for a friend’s wedding.
I arose c. 4AM, giggling to myself about the fact that whilst this may not be the first time I’d chatted to a Travelodge receptionist at that time in the morning, I was at least relatively coherent and capable of more than one topic of conversation. What’s more, I’m remembering the conversation now without putting my fist in my mouth.
It’s no secret that Stansted Airport is basically how I imagine Azkaban, haunted by ghosts from broken homes, but after smoking a couple of fags outside, I resolved to greet them as I would a sick friend. Airport faff was thankfully minimal and I’d soon set up my laptop in one of the airport’s many bars and ordered a coffee.
Fast-forward and I landed in Cologne around 10AM, thus avoiding the dreaded fanfare. As I intimated earlier, I’ve had bad experiences with hire cars in Germany (entirely self-inflicted) so I’d figured it would be cheaper to public transport this one.
I’d also managed to book to go to Phantasialand when Phantasialand was closed, but this turned out to be a happy accident; I’m a firm believer that while it may be my favourite activity, there’s more to life than theme parks and coasters and that visiting a park every day would be like eating my favourite meal every day. Anyway, I headed into the centre of Cologne for a spot of what we euphemistically refer to as ‘culture’.
I realised I could tie in one or two of my other favourite hobbies and got off the train a few stops earlier than planned, stuck some Iron Maiden on my Spotify and walked to Cologne Zoo along the bank of the Rhein. The views are a bit like London would be if London was clean.
‘Zoobrucke’ is very steep and takes a surprisingly long time to walk across. I’d managed to run out of cigarettes while walking, so I then had to detour to a shop where I also bought a Red Bull and as much Salzbrot as I could carry – then it was time to go to the zoo. I also realised I was possibly in the ‘student quarter’ as there were a lot of ‘we say no to sexism/racism’ etc. banners hung from balcony windows. What a difference a century makes…
I wasn’t expecting a lot from Cologne Zoo – it really was just something I’d booked on impulse when I realised I had a day to kill (plus zoos are chilled and relaxing, which theme parks are NOT) so I was pleasantly surprised by my first impressions.
My first experience was the aquarium which is confusingly situated outside the main entrance. My immediate thoughts on walking in were ‘oh, for ****’s sake, I could spend all day just in here!!’ Since I insist on doing comparisons, this is beaten only by that of Berlin zoo – highlights included a tank of very large piranha (you can watch them being fed if you visit on Monday). I’ve outgrown my desire to have a marine fish tank (definitely more commitment and expense than a cat!) but as anyone who’s ever been on a date with me will tell you, I can still happily spend an hour watching one.
Unfortunately, the people I take on dates with me tend to be less like this...
and more like this. (‘but I LIKE having horns…’)
I pissed one of those off when I was working in an aquarium shop back in 2005 – it only stung the tank cleaning pad, but I did not make that mistake twice. They’re fascinating though – from a social distance.
The other half of the aquarium was a tropical house which housed adorable baby crocodiles amongst other things that I’d have spent more time looking at, except that the zoo closed at 5 and it was already 1. The upstairs is an insect house – I’m no arachnophobe, but that’s not to say it didn’t make me feel a bit icky.
The architecture at the zoo is impressive, but can go unnoticed if you’re not looking for it. Another thing I liked about Cologne Zoo is that it has a fairly compact layout and an obvious circular route that makes it difficult to miss anything out (aside from some of the stuff in the middle) – I’ve been visiting Chester all my life and I STILL get lost there and the lion dead-end annoys me.
A few highlights then: Christmas decorations were still being taken down across the park and the sounds of a reversing vehicle had the meerkats on high alert…
By contrast to what I usually experience at zoos, a lot of the animals seemed keen to be centre of attention and were well aware of just how photogenic they were; perhaps none moreso than this cheetah.
I found another tropical house, this one had a sloth who ironically shares a name with one of my favourite F1 drivers and an armadillo. I like armadillos, they don’t feel real, they’re like clockwork toys. They’re also surprisingly fleet of foot which makes them a bugger to take pictures of. I also like toucans; but not hornbills.
I’ve decided that seeing a three-toed sloth, even if it’s in a zoo, is definitely on my bucket list. Annoyingly, without going to Costa Rica, I think the closest is in Dallas. The German for sloth is 'Faultier' - literally 'lazy animal'
There was another surprise outside; if I’ve ever seen a giant anteater before, I don’t remember it. I tried talking to it, but there was a bit of a language barrier.
I’m going through an annoying phase of saying nice things to people at the moment (95% of whom probably assume I’ve been drinking) and fired a quick message to my Mum thanking her for picking a house halfway between the UK’s best zoo and its best theme park. I went on to suggest we brought my brother here if Maiden ever played in Cologne.
Obviously, another highlight was the big cats (you’ll remember from my last trip report that I’m intending to spend a night in a tiger house in May). I’m not sure when I became such a big fan of tigers but I’ve put it down to the few months for which I shared my home with a domestic cat. She was named Lucky, but the good fortune was all mine. I was a bit confused by this enclosure though – I’m sure they were separated for a reason, but the two tigers were looking at one another through a fence. One was not on public view; the other was pacing and roaring in an irritated manner. I blame Carole Baskin.
The lions by contrast, were the embodiment of a proud, happy couple. I nearly made another of those hateful heart-shaped photos.
Next was yet another tropical house – this one disappointed me, because it was supposed to have arboreal apes of the genus hylobates in, but I did not see them. There was quite a pretty hornbill and some of those crowned pigeon things that I always take pictures of (so I’ve not included a picture of one this time).
I saw some animals that reminded me of people (I couldn’t resist sending the sealion picture to a girl who kept me alive in a truly loathsome workplace back in 2014-5). Given she’s ‘2% amicable’, she will not acknowledge it!!
It was 3PM now and I was flagging – I needed a sugar/caffeine hit before checking out the final quarter of the zoo. The restaurant annoyed me by needing to see my vaccine pass etc. before I was allowed in (I’d already showed it at the zoo entrance, so this seemed excessive, but whatever). I have a ‘recovery certificate’ too now, which is pretty neat. I wonder if I should put it in my middle drawer with my swimming certificates from primary school.
Next to the restaurant are the ‘Flusspferd’ which is nearly as fun a word as ‘hippo’. I like hippos, because you don’t see them in zoos often. Another thing you don’t see in zoos often is nile crocodiles – but this zoo had a pair. EVERY child in the zoo seemed to want a picture with the crocodiles, so these were tricky to get near although the zoo was fairly dead. I’ve also remembered I want to go to the crocodile zoo near Oxford this year and I’ve got a fair idea who I want to go with.
I rounded off the day by revisiting the cheetahs, tigers, [noisy] baboons (‘first they’ll… eat his skin…’) then headed for the exit – I wanted to be checked into my hotel before I started feeling hungry, lonely or tired. Conveniently, Cologne zoo is on the same tram line as Bruhlmitte meaning it was a direct 40-minute journey.
It was already dark when I reached Bruhl, visited another supermarket for supplies (then realised there was another NEXT DOOR to my hotel) and walked the rest of the way to the H+ Hotel, which turned out to be nicer than the price had suggested.
I’d come to the conclusion that there definitely wasn’t much for a recovering alcoholic to do in Bruhl in the evening, so I ordered a pizza (which was delivered to my ROOM and which was so big I could only eat half of it!) and then got tucked up in bed. It was probably only about 8PM, but this was one of those nights where Kat Prescott could have been on the other side of the bed (two single beds pushed together - pet ****ing hate!) and I’d have told her to wait until morning.
My sister-in-law emigrated to England from Germany. So did my Mum's sister-in-law. If you ask me, they're both mental.
Wintertraum report to follow.
I was very honoured to receive a nomination for best trip reporter, so I’d be lying if I said I’m not a bit more nervous than usual about this one…
So, as you know, I had the joys of COVID recently and decided that since they’d relaxed their entry requirements in early January, I was going to treat myself to a trip to Germany once I could get out of the house. I hadn’t been to Germany since 2017 – my Easter trip had been marred by car trouble, excessive driving and even more excessive whisky consumption (OK, the Maiden gig was amazing, but I shouldn’t spend days on holiday unable to get out of bed). I went back to Phantasia in December 2017 but hadn’t seen Germany since.
My flights were at extremely uncivilised times, so I intentionally ****ed up my sleeping pattern to mirror my Mum’s and checked into a Travelodge near Stansted. As a rule, I’m (unfairly) rude about Essex, but I did take the time to acknowledge the fact that I’ve rarely had a bad night there and that the last time I’d slept there had been for a friend’s wedding.
I arose c. 4AM, giggling to myself about the fact that whilst this may not be the first time I’d chatted to a Travelodge receptionist at that time in the morning, I was at least relatively coherent and capable of more than one topic of conversation. What’s more, I’m remembering the conversation now without putting my fist in my mouth.
It’s no secret that Stansted Airport is basically how I imagine Azkaban, haunted by ghosts from broken homes, but after smoking a couple of fags outside, I resolved to greet them as I would a sick friend. Airport faff was thankfully minimal and I’d soon set up my laptop in one of the airport’s many bars and ordered a coffee.
Fast-forward and I landed in Cologne around 10AM, thus avoiding the dreaded fanfare. As I intimated earlier, I’ve had bad experiences with hire cars in Germany (entirely self-inflicted) so I’d figured it would be cheaper to public transport this one.
I’d also managed to book to go to Phantasialand when Phantasialand was closed, but this turned out to be a happy accident; I’m a firm believer that while it may be my favourite activity, there’s more to life than theme parks and coasters and that visiting a park every day would be like eating my favourite meal every day. Anyway, I headed into the centre of Cologne for a spot of what we euphemistically refer to as ‘culture’.
I realised I could tie in one or two of my other favourite hobbies and got off the train a few stops earlier than planned, stuck some Iron Maiden on my Spotify and walked to Cologne Zoo along the bank of the Rhein. The views are a bit like London would be if London was clean.
‘Zoobrucke’ is very steep and takes a surprisingly long time to walk across. I’d managed to run out of cigarettes while walking, so I then had to detour to a shop where I also bought a Red Bull and as much Salzbrot as I could carry – then it was time to go to the zoo. I also realised I was possibly in the ‘student quarter’ as there were a lot of ‘we say no to sexism/racism’ etc. banners hung from balcony windows. What a difference a century makes…
I wasn’t expecting a lot from Cologne Zoo – it really was just something I’d booked on impulse when I realised I had a day to kill (plus zoos are chilled and relaxing, which theme parks are NOT) so I was pleasantly surprised by my first impressions.
My first experience was the aquarium which is confusingly situated outside the main entrance. My immediate thoughts on walking in were ‘oh, for ****’s sake, I could spend all day just in here!!’ Since I insist on doing comparisons, this is beaten only by that of Berlin zoo – highlights included a tank of very large piranha (you can watch them being fed if you visit on Monday). I’ve outgrown my desire to have a marine fish tank (definitely more commitment and expense than a cat!) but as anyone who’s ever been on a date with me will tell you, I can still happily spend an hour watching one.
Unfortunately, the people I take on dates with me tend to be less like this...
and more like this. (‘but I LIKE having horns…’)
I pissed one of those off when I was working in an aquarium shop back in 2005 – it only stung the tank cleaning pad, but I did not make that mistake twice. They’re fascinating though – from a social distance.
The other half of the aquarium was a tropical house which housed adorable baby crocodiles amongst other things that I’d have spent more time looking at, except that the zoo closed at 5 and it was already 1. The upstairs is an insect house – I’m no arachnophobe, but that’s not to say it didn’t make me feel a bit icky.
The architecture at the zoo is impressive, but can go unnoticed if you’re not looking for it. Another thing I liked about Cologne Zoo is that it has a fairly compact layout and an obvious circular route that makes it difficult to miss anything out (aside from some of the stuff in the middle) – I’ve been visiting Chester all my life and I STILL get lost there and the lion dead-end annoys me.
A few highlights then: Christmas decorations were still being taken down across the park and the sounds of a reversing vehicle had the meerkats on high alert…
By contrast to what I usually experience at zoos, a lot of the animals seemed keen to be centre of attention and were well aware of just how photogenic they were; perhaps none moreso than this cheetah.
I found another tropical house, this one had a sloth who ironically shares a name with one of my favourite F1 drivers and an armadillo. I like armadillos, they don’t feel real, they’re like clockwork toys. They’re also surprisingly fleet of foot which makes them a bugger to take pictures of. I also like toucans; but not hornbills.
I’ve decided that seeing a three-toed sloth, even if it’s in a zoo, is definitely on my bucket list. Annoyingly, without going to Costa Rica, I think the closest is in Dallas. The German for sloth is 'Faultier' - literally 'lazy animal'
There was another surprise outside; if I’ve ever seen a giant anteater before, I don’t remember it. I tried talking to it, but there was a bit of a language barrier.
I’m going through an annoying phase of saying nice things to people at the moment (95% of whom probably assume I’ve been drinking) and fired a quick message to my Mum thanking her for picking a house halfway between the UK’s best zoo and its best theme park. I went on to suggest we brought my brother here if Maiden ever played in Cologne.
Obviously, another highlight was the big cats (you’ll remember from my last trip report that I’m intending to spend a night in a tiger house in May). I’m not sure when I became such a big fan of tigers but I’ve put it down to the few months for which I shared my home with a domestic cat. She was named Lucky, but the good fortune was all mine. I was a bit confused by this enclosure though – I’m sure they were separated for a reason, but the two tigers were looking at one another through a fence. One was not on public view; the other was pacing and roaring in an irritated manner. I blame Carole Baskin.
The lions by contrast, were the embodiment of a proud, happy couple. I nearly made another of those hateful heart-shaped photos.
Next was yet another tropical house – this one disappointed me, because it was supposed to have arboreal apes of the genus hylobates in, but I did not see them. There was quite a pretty hornbill and some of those crowned pigeon things that I always take pictures of (so I’ve not included a picture of one this time).
I saw some animals that reminded me of people (I couldn’t resist sending the sealion picture to a girl who kept me alive in a truly loathsome workplace back in 2014-5). Given she’s ‘2% amicable’, she will not acknowledge it!!
It was 3PM now and I was flagging – I needed a sugar/caffeine hit before checking out the final quarter of the zoo. The restaurant annoyed me by needing to see my vaccine pass etc. before I was allowed in (I’d already showed it at the zoo entrance, so this seemed excessive, but whatever). I have a ‘recovery certificate’ too now, which is pretty neat. I wonder if I should put it in my middle drawer with my swimming certificates from primary school.
Next to the restaurant are the ‘Flusspferd’ which is nearly as fun a word as ‘hippo’. I like hippos, because you don’t see them in zoos often. Another thing you don’t see in zoos often is nile crocodiles – but this zoo had a pair. EVERY child in the zoo seemed to want a picture with the crocodiles, so these were tricky to get near although the zoo was fairly dead. I’ve also remembered I want to go to the crocodile zoo near Oxford this year and I’ve got a fair idea who I want to go with.
I rounded off the day by revisiting the cheetahs, tigers, [noisy] baboons (‘first they’ll… eat his skin…’) then headed for the exit – I wanted to be checked into my hotel before I started feeling hungry, lonely or tired. Conveniently, Cologne zoo is on the same tram line as Bruhlmitte meaning it was a direct 40-minute journey.
It was already dark when I reached Bruhl, visited another supermarket for supplies (then realised there was another NEXT DOOR to my hotel) and walked the rest of the way to the H+ Hotel, which turned out to be nicer than the price had suggested.
I’d come to the conclusion that there definitely wasn’t much for a recovering alcoholic to do in Bruhl in the evening, so I ordered a pizza (which was delivered to my ROOM and which was so big I could only eat half of it!) and then got tucked up in bed. It was probably only about 8PM, but this was one of those nights where Kat Prescott could have been on the other side of the bed (two single beds pushed together - pet ****ing hate!) and I’d have told her to wait until morning.
My sister-in-law emigrated to England from Germany. So did my Mum's sister-in-law. If you ask me, they're both mental.
Wintertraum report to follow.
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In seriousness though, I was amused that from around 400 miles away, she was still managing to point out little theming details that had passed me by ‘Oh! That’s a STEAM vent? Good, I thought I’d forgotten to put my fag out.’ – I was also persuaded that I must eat at Uhrwerk, despite my protestations that this was going to cost more than return flights to Cologne did. ****ing goons… Glad I never was one 
