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Ich bin nur ein Berliner

Will

Strata Poster
TLDR: I went to Germany. I got a cred that wasn't great and it was cold and it rained.

I was very honoured to receive a nomination for best trip reporter, so I’d be lying if I said I’m not a bit more nervous than usual about this one…

So, as you know, I had the joys of COVID recently and decided that since they’d relaxed their entry requirements in early January, I was going to treat myself to a trip to Germany once I could get out of the house. I hadn’t been to Germany since 2017 – my Easter trip had been marred by car trouble, excessive driving and even more excessive whisky consumption (OK, the Maiden gig was amazing, but I shouldn’t spend days on holiday unable to get out of bed). I went back to Phantasia in December 2017 but hadn’t seen Germany since.

My flights were at extremely uncivilised times, so I intentionally ****ed up my sleeping pattern to mirror my Mum’s and checked into a Travelodge near Stansted. As a rule, I’m (unfairly) rude about Essex, but I did take the time to acknowledge the fact that I’ve rarely had a bad night there and that the last time I’d slept there had been for a friend’s wedding.

I arose c. 4AM, giggling to myself about the fact that whilst this may not be the first time I’d chatted to a Travelodge receptionist at that time in the morning, I was at least relatively coherent and capable of more than one topic of conversation. What’s more, I’m remembering the conversation now without putting my fist in my mouth.

It’s no secret that Stansted Airport is basically how I imagine Azkaban, haunted by ghosts from broken homes, but after smoking a couple of fags outside, I resolved to greet them as I would a sick friend. Airport faff was thankfully minimal and I’d soon set up my laptop in one of the airport’s many bars and ordered a coffee.

Fast-forward and I landed in Cologne around 10AM, thus avoiding the dreaded fanfare. As I intimated earlier, I’ve had bad experiences with hire cars in Germany (entirely self-inflicted) so I’d figured it would be cheaper to public transport this one.

I’d also managed to book to go to Phantasialand when Phantasialand was closed, but this turned out to be a happy accident; I’m a firm believer that while it may be my favourite activity, there’s more to life than theme parks and coasters and that visiting a park every day would be like eating my favourite meal every day. Anyway, I headed into the centre of Cologne for a spot of what we euphemistically refer to as ‘culture’.

I realised I could tie in one or two of my other favourite hobbies and got off the train a few stops earlier than planned, stuck some Iron Maiden on my Spotify and walked to Cologne Zoo along the bank of the Rhein. The views are a bit like London would be if London was clean.
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‘Zoobrucke’ is very steep and takes a surprisingly long time to walk across. I’d managed to run out of cigarettes while walking, so I then had to detour to a shop where I also bought a Red Bull and as much Salzbrot as I could carry – then it was time to go to the zoo. I also realised I was possibly in the ‘student quarter’ as there were a lot of ‘we say no to sexism/racism’ etc. banners hung from balcony windows. What a difference a century makes…

I wasn’t expecting a lot from Cologne Zoo – it really was just something I’d booked on impulse when I realised I had a day to kill (plus zoos are chilled and relaxing, which theme parks are NOT) so I was pleasantly surprised by my first impressions.
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My first experience was the aquarium which is confusingly situated outside the main entrance. My immediate thoughts on walking in were ‘oh, for ****’s sake, I could spend all day just in here!!’ Since I insist on doing comparisons, this is beaten only by that of Berlin zoo – highlights included a tank of very large piranha (you can watch them being fed if you visit on Monday). I’ve outgrown my desire to have a marine fish tank (definitely more commitment and expense than a cat!) but as anyone who’s ever been on a date with me will tell you, I can still happily spend an hour watching one.
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Unfortunately, the people I take on dates with me tend to be less like this...
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and more like this. (‘but I LIKE having horns…’)
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I pissed one of those off when I was working in an aquarium shop back in 2005 – it only stung the tank cleaning pad, but I did not make that mistake twice. They’re fascinating though – from a social distance.

The other half of the aquarium was a tropical house which housed adorable baby crocodiles amongst other things that I’d have spent more time looking at, except that the zoo closed at 5 and it was already 1. The upstairs is an insect house – I’m no arachnophobe, but that’s not to say it didn’t make me feel a bit icky.
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The architecture at the zoo is impressive, but can go unnoticed if you’re not looking for it. Another thing I liked about Cologne Zoo is that it has a fairly compact layout and an obvious circular route that makes it difficult to miss anything out (aside from some of the stuff in the middle) – I’ve been visiting Chester all my life and I STILL get lost there and the lion dead-end annoys me.

A few highlights then: Christmas decorations were still being taken down across the park and the sounds of a reversing vehicle had the meerkats on high alert…
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By contrast to what I usually experience at zoos, a lot of the animals seemed keen to be centre of attention and were well aware of just how photogenic they were; perhaps none moreso than this cheetah.
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I found another tropical house, this one had a sloth who ironically shares a name with one of my favourite F1 drivers and an armadillo. I like armadillos, they don’t feel real, they’re like clockwork toys. They’re also surprisingly fleet of foot which makes them a bugger to take pictures of. I also like toucans; but not hornbills.
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I’ve decided that seeing a three-toed sloth, even if it’s in a zoo, is definitely on my bucket list. Annoyingly, without going to Costa Rica, I think the closest is in Dallas. The German for sloth is 'Faultier' - literally 'lazy animal'



There was another surprise outside; if I’ve ever seen a giant anteater before, I don’t remember it. I tried talking to it, but there was a bit of a language barrier.
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I’m going through an annoying phase of saying nice things to people at the moment (95% of whom probably assume I’ve been drinking) and fired a quick message to my Mum thanking her for picking a house halfway between the UK’s best zoo and its best theme park. I went on to suggest we brought my brother here if Maiden ever played in Cologne.



Obviously, another highlight was the big cats (you’ll remember from my last trip report that I’m intending to spend a night in a tiger house in May). I’m not sure when I became such a big fan of tigers but I’ve put it down to the few months for which I shared my home with a domestic cat. She was named Lucky, but the good fortune was all mine. I was a bit confused by this enclosure though – I’m sure they were separated for a reason, but the two tigers were looking at one another through a fence. One was not on public view; the other was pacing and roaring in an irritated manner. I blame Carole Baskin.
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The lions by contrast, were the embodiment of a proud, happy couple. I nearly made another of those hateful heart-shaped photos.
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Next was yet another tropical house – this one disappointed me, because it was supposed to have arboreal apes of the genus hylobates in, but I did not see them. There was quite a pretty hornbill and some of those crowned pigeon things that I always take pictures of (so I’ve not included a picture of one this time).



I saw some animals that reminded me of people (I couldn’t resist sending the sealion picture to a girl who kept me alive in a truly loathsome workplace back in 2014-5). Given she’s ‘2% amicable’, she will not acknowledge it!!
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It was 3PM now and I was flagging – I needed a sugar/caffeine hit before checking out the final quarter of the zoo. The restaurant annoyed me by needing to see my vaccine pass etc. before I was allowed in (I’d already showed it at the zoo entrance, so this seemed excessive, but whatever). I have a ‘recovery certificate’ too now, which is pretty neat. I wonder if I should put it in my middle drawer with my swimming certificates from primary school.



Next to the restaurant are the ‘Flusspferd’ which is nearly as fun a word as ‘hippo’. I like hippos, because you don’t see them in zoos often. Another thing you don’t see in zoos often is nile crocodiles – but this zoo had a pair. EVERY child in the zoo seemed to want a picture with the crocodiles, so these were tricky to get near although the zoo was fairly dead. I’ve also remembered I want to go to the crocodile zoo near Oxford this year and I’ve got a fair idea who I want to go with.

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I rounded off the day by revisiting the cheetahs, tigers, [noisy] baboons (‘first they’ll… eat his skin…’) then headed for the exit – I wanted to be checked into my hotel before I started feeling hungry, lonely or tired. Conveniently, Cologne zoo is on the same tram line as Bruhlmitte meaning it was a direct 40-minute journey.

It was already dark when I reached Bruhl, visited another supermarket for supplies (then realised there was another NEXT DOOR to my hotel) and walked the rest of the way to the H+ Hotel, which turned out to be nicer than the price had suggested.

I’d come to the conclusion that there definitely wasn’t much for a recovering alcoholic to do in Bruhl in the evening, so I ordered a pizza (which was delivered to my ROOM and which was so big I could only eat half of it!) and then got tucked up in bed. It was probably only about 8PM, but this was one of those nights where Kat Prescott could have been on the other side of the bed (two single beds pushed together - pet ****ing hate!) and I’d have told her to wait until morning.

My sister-in-law emigrated to England from Germany. So did my Mum's sister-in-law. If you ask me, they're both mental.

Wintertraum report to follow.
 
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Will

Strata Poster
^
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Will

Strata Poster
So, dear readers, where was I?

In bed in the H+ Hotel in Bruhl, I believe. Having gone to bed stupidly early, I woke around 5:30AM and wandered downstairs in search of coffee – only to be informed that the coffee machine in reception was only for students doing classes in the hotel, not for guests. I thought that was a bit silly.

Fortunately, Germany is a nation of early risers and by around 6:10 I had a seat at the breakfast table and logged into CF and Facebook to sort my zoo photos and do a bit of spamming. I think I managed to get told off twice during breakfast (I nicked a pint glass from the bar so I could actually get a decent size water, rather than the stupid juice glasses you’re meant to use – and I probably re-used a plate…) but in seriousness, it was great to have a breakfast buffet again – it wasn’t the greatest, but I had a feeling that these would become a thing of the past post-Covid.

It was still very early when I was done eating and Phantasialand didn’t open until 11, so I proceeded to go back to sleep until about 10:15. Because I felt yucky upon reawakening, I elected to walk the 2 miles to the park to wake myself up – this proved to be a good idea, but I’ll warn the uninitiated that there are a fair few hills between Bruhl and the (extremely dreary) main entrance. Around 10:50, I joined a short but nevertheless noisy and excitable queue at the gate and readied myself for the (surprisingly efficient) Covid pass faff.

Upon entering and grabbing a couple of English maps, I noticed the signs implied that masks should be worn throughout and that smoking was not allowed as a result, but within a few minutes, I realised (with a certain degree of relief) that neither rule appeared to be being strictly enforced, so I adopted a common sense attitude – mask in queues and on rides and no smoking in busy areas.

My intention had been to make for Winjas and Crazy Bats as these have obnoxious indoor queues, but were unlikely to be busy first thing – but as I’ve repeatedly bemoaned in previous reports, my sense of direction is AWFUL and all paths in Phantasialand appear to lead to Klugheim; the map informed me I was about as far as possible from Wuze-Town, so this plan was hastily shelved.

After wandering around for a bit enjoying my surroundings, I figured I may as well get Taron out of the way. I made no secret of the fact that I was singularly unimpressed by this coaster back in 2017, but figured that with adjusted expectations, it was worth another try. The queue claimed to be 15 minutes, but in actuality started in the station meaning I was seated in the back (no, just no) in significantly less time. I have to say – my opinion on Taron remains unchanged – there’s a couple of nice kicks of airtime which I’d forgotten and it didn’t attempt to throw me sideways from the train as much as I remembered, but for the most part, it’s simply ‘Corner: The Ride’ and all I can say is that a lot of people clearly really enjoy endlessly repetitive changes of direction. To them, I recommend the southbound M5 between the M6 and about Junction 3 – or the country road to Mablethorpe, both of which offer a similar experience if you drive fast enough.

What I will say for Taron though, is that it’s almost certainly the best looking coaster in Europe – it’s just that, as I’ve said elsewhere, I enjoying watching it a fair bit more than I enjoy riding it. I also wish the queue line were more interesting and explored the area instead of the somewhat monotonous space it currently occupies.

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I’d realised I had 9 hours to play with and the park clearly wasn’t going to get especially busy (and there was only FLY and Mamba that I’d sulk if I left without riding) so I elected to slow my pace and generally chill in Klugheim for a while. While I was there, I grabbed a quick ride on Raik – I’m BORED of junior boomerangs now (probably because I’ve been to Poland) but this is easily the best of them; it offers a great starting point for those not yet tall or brave enough for Taron whilst still managing to thrill more seasoned riders. I sat at the front, for the extra goon point and to best enjoy the theming, which again really is something to behold.

Also – is it just me, or is it impossible to walk around that bit of the park without walking into what is quite obviously a fellow goon, even if you don’t understand what they’re saying?
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Whilst a little bit lost earlier, I’d wandered past Mystery Castle and Colorado Adventure and decided these would be my next destinations. Colorado Adventure had a bit more of a queue due to the number of younger families on park, but this was still only around 10 minutes. Somebody was celebrating their birthday in the station. Loudly. I also delayed the dispatch a little as I hadn’t realised I had to take my bag with me (which I admit I didn’t want to do, as I remembered this ride being a little on the violent side). The fact that I can’t think of anything else to say about Colorado Adventure moreorless sums up my thoughts on the ride; it felt like it had had a bit of TLC, as it wasn’t as vicious as I remembered, and still better than I remember BTM being, but I’m afraid to say I really won’t be shedding any tears when I hear this one is being replaced.

En route to Mystery Castle, I passed Geister Ricksha and as there was no queue, I figured I may as well ride for the hell of it. Geister Ricksha is VERY, VERY silly – and a reminder that the older dark rides at Phantasia, whilst undeniably fab, do feel more than a little dated when compared with the likes of Mamba, FLY and Taron. Like a song with an overly long outro, I was well ready to get off by the time I reached the station.

I didn’t especially want to ride River Quest (which is about the only ride closed in the Winter) because it was VERY cold, but I still took the time to have a look at it on my way to Mystery Castle. I’d only ridden this once in the last decade, so I’d forgotten what to expect – but wow, just ****ing wow. I’d never really understood why I’ve heard one or two people liken the atmosphere to one of my favourite bands – but think of the final two Portnoy era albums, I realised that made some small degree of warped sense. The towers were MUCH taller than I remembered; the soundtrack louder and the ride significantly more powerful – outside, it would be pants, but as an overall experience, it’s easily one of the top 5 tower rides in Europe, much as Baron would be fairly forgettable without the pre-show. I stepped off, jelly-legged and immediately ran around to join the queue again (partly because there wasn’t one, whereas the wait for this is usually gross due to the poor throughput). From me, that’s praise indeed.

I’ll mention at this point that Mum has a running joke with me about my inability to ‘live in the moment’ and the fact that inside, I’m ALWAYS thinking about what will happen next, rather than enjoying what I’m doing AT THAT MOMENT (a few people will know that’s why I’m exasperating to spend any length of time with; I even get sulky and miserable in the last hour of a day out because I realise I have to go home soon) – and as I sat ON Mystery Castle, planning out where to go next, I reluctantly accepted she was right and resolved to be a bit more chilled for the remainder of the day.

Equipped with this knowledge, I slowly made my way back towards the main entrance and towards Rookburgh – there was always the risk FLY might have downtime at some point and I didn’t want to risk that souring my day. I also decided I was again in need of sugar and stopped off in a coffee shop in Berlin for a drink and a muffin.

I mentioned elsewhere on the forum that I watched a Rookburgh vlog the day before travelling and it wasn’t without some degree of exasperation that I heard myself saying ‘Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh. My. God’ as I stepped into Rookburgh for the first time. I said earlier that Taron was the best looking coaster in Europe, but with the arrival of FLY, there’s definitely a new girl in town. Obnoxiously verbose though I may be, there simply isn’t a way of putting the appearance of that area into words, so I’m afraid you’ll either have to take my word for it or visit for myself – don’t even worry about riding the thing, that’s just an added bonus.

On that subject, I decided I’d better put my eyes back in and actually figure out how to ride the thing. I mentioned earlier that Taron’s queue annoys me because it doesn’t show you the ride (that’s why I really like the queue layouts for the likes of Blue Fire, Nemesis and Colossus) – but until you get inside, FLY does this SO ****ing well. I think I annoyed the Germans behind me because I was stopping every few feet just to have another look – I’m not ashamed to admit I had tears in my eyes at one point.

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The man on the gate with the baffling wristbands warned me that my choice to ride at the front was going to cost me at least half an hour of my life, but I explained ‘you only live once’ which I’m not certain he understood. Then, came… the boarding process. The first time, I didn’t take it entirely seriously, and attempted to get into the station with a cigarette lighter in my pocket… nope… The second time, the pedometer that I’d forgotten was clipped to my belt fell foul of the metal detectors. “I have ridden 563 coasters and NONE OF THEM HAVE BEEN THIS MUCH FAFF!,” I explained, “If you don’t let me on this time, then WILL ICH NACH HAUSE GEHEN!’

The station is undeniably interesting – but only for a minute or two and the front row line moves slowly. Eventually, I spied a lone goon at the front of the queue and asked in broken German if I could join him. I’d watched videos, but still wasn’t completely sure what was going to happen next. To be honest, I’d struggle to give a fair description of FLY – but it was quickly clear to me that I didn’t exactly love it. It’s intense, it does interesting things, on paper, it’s everything I look for in a coaster and to be honest, I was expecting to love it, but unfortunately, I just don’t think the riding position does it any favours and the discomfort proportionately affects the level of enjoyment it can provide.

What this did prove though is that I can be well fed and rested, with my mood in the clouds – and still not fall in love with everything I ride. I did have a rather poor taste joke with myself about how much Prozac I’d have to take if I wanted to maintain this level of serotonin for the rest of the year…

I relaxed in Rookburgh and exchanged a few texts with Jordan, who was obviously unimpressed that I was having more fun than her and wanted to have a play-fight. As I insisted that Taron, Mamba and FLY, whilst easy on the eye, would all be a bit ‘meh’ if they were plonked on barren Six Flags car parks, I realised I wasn’t exactly pining her for company :p In seriousness though, I was amused that from around 400 miles away, she was still managing to point out little theming details that had passed me by ‘Oh! That’s a STEAM vent? Good, I thought I’d forgotten to put my fag out.’ – I was also persuaded that I must eat at Uhrwerk, despite my protestations that this was going to cost more than return flights to Cologne did. ****ing goons… Glad I never was one :D

Before lunch though, I wanted another ride on FLY, to see if it would be any different further back on the train. Boarding was much less of a faff now I knew how to do it, but it still feels like a slightly unnecessary palaver and was one of the factors that put me off riding again in the evening. This time, I’m sad to say that the ride left me feeling a little ill. I’m also going to have to give an honourable mention to the Rookburgh toilets – and it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t make a Kat Prescott joke while I’m at it.

It felt a long time since breakfast and so I decided it was time to wander into Uhrwerk. All I knew was it was apparently good and so was the cherry beer, except that this wasn’t Will-safe. From the newspaper, I ordered a Captain Burger and a coke. The other information I’d been told is that the portions were generous, but being a fat bastard somehow clinging to a figure that’s only slightly overweight, I wasn’t exactly overfaced, though that’s not to say it wasn’t perfectly adequate. The meat is very good, the chips are very good and it’s very warm in there with nice scenery and friendly, efficient service. If I had to pick a fault, which I believe I shall, the bread is weird – and this is probably all that stopped it usurping the Bell Rock ‘Burger of Joy’ as my favourite theme park meal. In no particular hurry to leave the comfort of the restaurant and as the staff didn’t exactly seem rushed off their feet, I sat for a bit with yet another coffee, watching the ride through the window. The Christmas music was a little incongruous as well, but I suspended disbelief and pretended it wasn’t mid-January.

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After lunch or dinner or whatever you want to call a meal at 4 in the afternoon, it was time to move on. Back in around 2005, a construction thread went up on this site and a newspaper cutting went up on 17-year-old Will’s bedroom wall – the ride in question was Black Mamba and this was the coaster that made me determined to finally get to a park outside of the UK. Thanks to CF, I did just that 3 years later and whilst granted, it’s no Nemesis (as I’d hoped), Black Mamba remains a firm favourite. Much like another of my favourite parks, it was put on the map by a well themed B&M invert – and this coaster remains my favourite there over a decade on from my first trip (or two decades, in the case of Alton!)

As I made my way to the entrance, a child who’d obviously just come out of the exit pushed past me to rejoin the queue. ‘There’s a man who knows what side his bread’s buttered,’ I commented to myself, joining the front row queue behind him. Again, Mamba’s line is one I really like because of the views you get of the ride – and the surrounding area is close to rivalling that of its Staffordshire cousin. Mamba was only running one train, which was slightly annoying, but given that the queue began inside the station, it was also fair enough. Unfortunately, it was at this point that I remembered that B&Ms and cold weather really don’t get on – the temperature was probably only a couple of degrees above freezing and as such, the ride really wasn’t at its best. I ran around again for a back row ride to see if this would redeem matters – but it was much the same story and I got off with my ears glowing bright red after a couple of altercations with the restraint. I decided two rides was enough.

It was around 5:30 and the sun had set. I decided I wasn’t really that bothered about riding anything else and that a wander around just enjoying my surroundings was enough. The weather forecast had also come true and it had begun to drizzle; this wouldn’t normally bother me, but the rain combined with the fact that it was extremely cold meant I could feel myself slowly starting to enjoy myself a bit less.

I wandered through Mexico, wanting to have a look at Chiapas and Talocan in the dark, but with no particular desire to ride either, and took a few pictures. Then I headed back to Rookburgh, just to look at it, deciding that riding felt too much like hard work.

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En route, I stopped in at one of the shops – I’d gone in for a fridge magnet, which has become my ‘thing that I collect’ since let’s face it, shot glasses are much too small and only ever got used for taking fish tank water samples.

I fell in love with this t-shirt though, for reasons that have approximately nothing to do with the ride – and I got a FLY one as well, because I liked it. I attempted to explain this to the woman in the shop, but her English was obviously minimal as she became convinced I was complaining about being given a plastic bag.

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In order to get out of the rain for a bit, I joined the queue for Maus au Chocolat, which is quite a cute little ride, but not really one of my favourites. It’s a hell of a lot nicer, cleaner and more modern feeling than most of Phantasia’s dark rides, but it’s also repetitive and goes on longer than my concentration span does. I got a decent score though – and it smells really nice in there too; Gangsta Granny, take note.

I was cold, wet and tired and aware that my taxi to the airport would be coming at 4:15 the next morning and headed back towards the main entrance – stopping for a good while to enjoy the slightly unseasonal decorations in Berlin. A song was playing something on the lines of ‘It’s the best time of year and you’re with me’ which probably made me laugh more than it should have done.

The Berlin area of the park is BEAUTIFUL at ‘Christmas’ – it’s as simple as that. To improve matters, I briefly became convinced that it was snowing, until I realised the ‘snow’ was coming out of cannons on the roofs of nearby buildings. It was nonetheless extremely convincing, and a bloody lovely touch. I reluctantly conceded that – in Winter anyway, Phantasialand is the best park in Europe – and realised, not for the first time, that there were tears in my eyes that had nothing to do with sadness.

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Additionally, I’d been reluctant to go back to a festive event in Germany because I was concerned about being in an environment that would smell so strongly of Gluhwein, but as I headed back to the coffee shop, I realised I was quite happy with a hot chocolate and a BIG cookie. For today, at least, the old obsession was leaving me the **** alone.
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I took a last look at the area and around 7PM, went to sit outside Hotel Matamba and requested an Uber. It quickly became clear that no Uber driver wanted to come all the way out to Bruhl just to take me on a two mile trip, so I accepted I was going to be walking back – this would be downhill, and would be a good wind-down-before-bed exercise, so I didn’t mind too much.

I was doing something I really like being able to do whilst walking back – and although I’d accidentally put Spotify on my angry playlist, I realised that ‘I need to keep these scars to prove there was a time when I loved something more than life’ maybe didn’t mean what I’d always thought it did.

I slept well that night – and I’m pleased to report that my journey back to Stoke was a very easy one and only took around 7 hours; approximately twice what it took me to get back from Thorpe on Halloween. As such, I won’t be a bit surprised if I’m back at Phantasia sooner rather than later.
 
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Will

Strata Poster
I just remembered another of the daft moments from Cologne Zoo when I forgot there were other people around and decided to serenade a sleeping tiger.'
 
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