Martyn said:
That would probably be a more pleasurable experience than that of any guest at Thorpe today...
Indeed, while I have
NO pictures (sorry), I'm going to write a report for once. Mostly because that really was very, very, very poor. Not at all the fault of CF organisation - indeed we very much did the best we could to make the most of a frankly woeful situation, but that was easily one of the worst days I've ever spent at a park that wasn't Drayton Manor...
It's hard to choose whether to say 'Ugh, Thorpe', or 'Lol, Thorpe', for, as I pointed out on countless occasions today, the place
is quite simply a joke - for Thorpe is like the theme park version of Steven. Saw dying on opening day was always a risk, and I could moreorless have coped with that alone, but the endless associated failures just made today downright soul destroying...
It started happily enough, when I arrived, merely glad to be free from the confines of the 950 bus, at 9:40ish, and was banished to an apparently random queue line, by a scary woman, who watched us like a hawk to ensure we didn't join the rest of the group, annoyingly. This strict organisation didn't last long, and entering the park soon became a free for all, with lots of running and shoving and chavvery and such. It was amusing, plus we got in early, and had faff and banter in the dome. Yay. The inevitable decision was made to head for Saw shortly after 10 as planned - by the time we reached it, the queue was already level with Colossus' cobra roll - well outside the ride entrance, but it moved quickly enough, while the usual entertaining company of Lain, Bezzer, Joey, Furie, Ciaran and co. helped the time to fly by, and we were soon inside the disorientating barbed wire-topped fences that wind endlessly around the back of the main Saw building. I shall say at this point that, although I didn't greatly enjoy the experience of this queue line, it was still far superior to Rita, Stealth, Dragon's Fury and co. though it will be somewhat hellish when it's very busy, when it's dark, and when it's hot. It looks the part though, even if the theming is a little abstract, with random car parts strewn in various places, rusting metal... evil things, and what Furie described as 'the victims of the Debenhams dummy massacre 2006', which caused me to snort embarassingly. This happened a lot because Furie was funny, and so basically, despite being a bit bored, the first hour or so of the wait was suitably entertaining, so the people who amused me at this point had give themselves a metaphorical backpat
However, just as everything was going so swimmingly, disaster struck, as a car stopped dead on the mid-course brakes, and showed no sign that it intended to move again any time soon. The queue line, familiar with Thorpe's reliability, simultaneously let out a resounding groan, many more of which followed when the inevitable announcements followed. The ground was comfy, if dusty. The fence was not nice to lean on - too metally, but I was there for a while, until, numerous test runs later, Thorpe decided to empty the queue line, at least agreeing to provide us with a Fastrack pass for later in the day... not that this made a lot of sense, when nearly everyone in the queue (and thus, nearly everyone in the park) received one, meaning that, had the ride re-opened, the queue would have been further silly time anyway. For those keeping score (it won't be hard) - that was around 100 minutes spent in line for that coaster, and nothing to show for it. >:C
It wasn't all bad though - emptying the queue line meant lunch, and thus, hot on the heels of Ian, John, Tanya, Stone Cold and so forth, Not-big_John, Jason and whoever else made our way to the Glass House, hoping against hope that it wouldn't be nearly as slow as it had been a month ago - and that they'd stocked up on condiments in anticipation of my arrival! Here, I had lots of food, which was good and relatively affordable, and came within ten minutes. There was also salt and vinegar, and the chips were not ERGH as they would be at other outlets around the park. I like the Glass House - but this is not what you're reading my report to find out about, though I shall add that I had vodka and this made me happy, and that Rach, Rush and Nicky, who are also amusing, joined us around this point, along with Snoring Man, though he was preoccupied listening to Man United getting joyously OWNED. Much amusement from said people ensued, while they also gave updates on rides - Colossus, Loggers, Rush, Rapids and Vortex were dead, Saw was likewise, and unlikely to re-open today (for those that heard it, that's why I banged the table), while Inferno was apparently on one train. These pieces of information, predictable as they probably were, made me quite sad. When I'd finished eating lots and making myself happy again, we went to the guest services ride, which was the 2nd best I went on all day.
If I annoyed the somewhat awesome person at Guest Services (Thorpe should take note - a smile and a sense of humour go a surprisingly long way towards rectifying things), which to be fair, I was attempting to, then she didn't show it. Despite the fact that she'd probably spent the entire day dealing with identical complaints, this was a successful mission, in which she accepted she'd be considerably more pissed off by the 'shambles' that was Saw's opening day than we were, and gave us exit passes and such... I don't know what happened to those - where are my exit passes, John
Although I was trying to put him off with helpful openings like 'In the beginning there was Thorpe', or further such unconstructive Merlin bashing, John had fun writing the complaint form (we all wanted one to take home with us) - I particularly liked ending it with 'bern >:C', but was less keen the phrase 'your next visit' kept being repeated. The way March 14th, 2009 was going, I thought, if I never find myself back at Thorpe ****ing Park, it will be too soon... before remembering I'd have to come back for Saw. UGH. On a sidenote, if you're reading this, Thorpe Management - Rachael is awesome. James is not. But that's another story.
So, the guest services game was, as the song goes, fun for all - aside from the omnipresent steel drums - the music in Amity Cove was much more amusing when I discovered how well 'Why do Fools visit Thorpe... why do we come to Thorpe' fit to the tune. Amusement proceeded. We then met many people at Nemesis Inferno, and this is where the day becomes something of a blur... shortly before 2pm - with a ride count, remember of a glorious ZERO.
BRB I am going to put the oven on... Lots of gathering, bitching and smoking ensued, because Thorpe, until the old and wise Furie, now distincltly less hairy but equipped with a rapidly disintegrating jacket, suggested '**** Saw, let's use our passes for Inferno, because it's not broken and the queue is long and ****'. Because Furie was quite right, we followed in his wake... in the wrong direction. But went on Inferno in the end. Possibly because it was my only ride of the day (yes, you did read that right - in 5 1/2 hours at Thorpe ****ing Park, I went on 1 ****ing ride. Had I paid for entry, some serious blood-spitting would have resulted), and I didn't have to queue for it, I did enjoy Inferno a lot more than usual, it was running well, despite rattliness, and there was intensity as well, possibly because we were on the back row. Anyway, Inferno was good (no Nemesis though... or any other above average coasters for that matter), but waiting in the shop was not. Neither was the shop. The weather was nice - did I mention that? I was shocked too, but the sun shined, and nothing fell out of the sky (though Lain was standing by), which was very odd. I approved, and think Thorpe should do this more often.
After Inferno, we were going to go on the Rapids... and so were lots of people, so there was a long line outside the entrance. I didn't really wish to ride Rapids, so I found a bench with Joey and Lain... and laughed when it was announced that the ride would not be opening after all, resulting in a noisy woman yelling "I HATE THIS PARK!" as she left the queue, causing me to clap. There was indeed much disappointment, and still nothing to ride (the few things that were working were either Tidal Wave, or equipped with uneccessarily long queues and throughput low enough to induce suicidal tendencies in anyone lacking the patience of A-Kid). Even the Carousel was ****ed, while I'm informed the ****ing train had an emergency evacuation at some point in the afternoon... It really was trying my patience - I'd laughed at everything that had gone wrong, but by around 2:30, my sense of humour had well and truly run dry, and frustration and anger were beginning to take over - and justifiably so, I reasoned. It didn't help that on my second visit to guest services (which we found full of CFers, and the man Ali didn't like, much to my amusement), we got rubbish man, who said he wouldn't give us ANYTHING, except the Saw pass, and a free ticket - which was no ****ing use at all to the mugs that are annual pass holders. I must say that, if it didn't get me into 2 good parks and other stuff as well, there's no way I'd be renewing mine this year - and it doesn't help that the vast majority of staff are inclined to treat pass holders (surely among their most loyal customers) quite so poorly. As I mentioned, I got angry at this point. So did Joey, so I had water, and he had an ice cream, and we sat on rocks with Lain for a bit near Rush... which had a long queue, so I shouted at it. To no avail.
For want of something to do (we still had a whole hour to kill until Dayglo man returned from his coffee break, and the chav bus began to run again), we headed back over to Saw, to check on the state of play, and maybe do some more shouting. Looking at the Samurai queue and the stupidness of everything surrounding Saw certainly provoked what AA Milne may have described as 'loud roaring noises of sadness and despair' from at least one of our party.
Joey tried to talk to staff people, but they weren't really talking, and the crowd barriers separating us from the new ride weren't exactly marvellous conversationalists, meaning we discovered little more than the fact that the ride was running - just the same as it had been a month ago - and showed no problems at all to the casual observer... or to me, though I'm sure there's people on here who'd have identified the problem at first glance. Ugh. Anyway, the fact was, nobody was on Saw, they weren't letting anyone on, and it didn't look like they were going to. After a while on a rock having a lengthy moan to Tanya, Stone Cold, Lain and anyone else who'd listen - I believe both Marks, and the Liverpool fan whose name I'm sorry to say I never did catch, were also subjected to me for a bit
Then we got bored. That's to say, more bored than we already were. **** this, we said, and headed toward the exit (at 3:30), amusingly. Some people had exit passes, and used them on Rush, but silly people had never given me any, so I did not get to ride Rush, although I wanted to. Still, that was among the least of my worries, so I shall not go on about it, as I talked to people who were fed up of Thorpe (there were no shortage of them) while I waited... Then, after one last Guest Services trip, during which Slayed, Joey and numerous other people finally sorted us with paperwork entitling us to some exit passes on (here's that horrid phrase again) our... next visit :cry: The very thought made us sad, so we left, because Stone Cold agreed to take us to the station, and thus, no bus was neccessary. Being in a car driven by Stone Cold is funny - he would make a good Top Gear presenter, if arguably less responsible, cutting people up for crimes such as 'being old' or 'driving a Fiat'. It was funny. As was the noise the car made as it left the station car park. Joey and I had AGES to wait for the train, so we witnessed a silly man shouting at staff about being 'eeeedyachts' (that's idiots, to you and me), before finally leaving Staines. This story ends where it began - in Staines, but at least it ends happily. Not at Thorpe.
So now you know... Urgh, it was a stupid day - but at least I managed to keep laughing at it instead of being depressed or pissed off by the inexcusable ****ness of Thorpe Park until 2:30 - and managed to exit the park before 4, nor did I come home empty handed. In other news, thanks to moreorless everyone who talked and kept me entertained today - proof that Thorpe Lives are indeed about the company - the conversation and humour made a day which had the potential to be truly hellish, bareable at worst, and awesome in parts, and this is really is quite some achievement. Many of you are awesome - no, I haven't been drinking. Thorpe is not awesome. Anyone who disagrees has been doing more than just drinking.
In conclusion, I've decided I'll opt for 'lol Thorpe', before I head off to finish cooking my tea, as the oven has been on and empty for 25 minutes now... As I pointed out to someone in guest services when they asked about the size of our group, it was 30-40ish - last time it was around 80, and we've brought over 100 to Thorpe on one occasion - these figures mean something, and with CF going from strength to strength, I don't think it's us that's at fault somehow...
On another note, Lain and I did a survey at one point, counting how many guests we could see smiling as we walked around the park, as an indication of satisfaction. The only smiles we had seen were on the faces of staff members ending their shifts at guest services by the time we got bored of this game. Makes you think... Hope it has the same effect on Thorpe.
Anyways, cheers once again - Ian, as I said at the start did well to make the best of a bad situation, and Slayed gave me chocolate fingers
I'll see lots of you tomorrow - look forward to it
