Re: USA Summer 2016 PTR - Part 6: Timber Falls
The next day at Wisconsin Dells was obviously the main reason for being there.
Mt Olympus
For ages, I’d had a bit of a fascination for this park, but more recently had been losing interest since it seems to basically get slated all the time and I didn’t think I’d realistically get there anytime soon. I never for a second thought that a small place like the Dells would be so easy to get to without a car. Admittedly, the train only comes through once a day in each direction, but it’s an easy connection from Chicago/Milwaukee to the east and Minneapolis to the west.
Again, I just walked from the hotel, which took around 15 minutes. The stretch that the park sits on has a bunch of other random crap which I didn’t bother with.
First view of the park:
I’d booked a ticket online for the ridiculous price of $10, which also included the water park. However, the on-the-gate price was the same anyway. There were quite a few very permanent-looking “$10 Today Only!!!!” signs around.
The entrance takes you through a mass of supports for three of the woodies, which I thought was quite fab; I hadn’t realised that the three main coasters were basically sitting on top of each other.
I went straight for Zeus, which had about a 10-minute queue at that point. Rather worrying sign…
I thought it was great though. The first drop and following hills have got loads of airtime, though it definitely tries to kill you after those. I rerode it as I was leaving the park later, and it was even better.
The park has about 250 different go cart tracks. They were all really busy though, and I’m not really a fan of them, so I didn’t try any.
Right next to the exit to Zeus is the entrance to Hades, or Hades 360 now.
The queue for this was quite a bit longer. I think I ended up waiting between 30-45 minutes for each of the three rides I did on it. All of the coasters here run single trains. This isn’t a case of the park just not running the second train; none of them even have one. They don’t even have any transfer track/shed to hold a second train.
Hades has a fairly substantial pre-lift section, which I wasn’t expecting, and was actually pretty good.
I’ve heard little praise for the ride, especially since the addition of the inversion, but, again, I really enjoyed this coaster. The first drop – well, after the lift anyway – is ridiculous, the tunnel is fantastic in both directions and the inversion wasn’t a problem in the slightest.
It’s not a smooth coaster by any stretch, but I’d call it physically demanding rather than rough if that makes sense? If any ride was going to trigger one of those “pre-existing heart condition” cred deaths, this would be it. It’s hard work to ride since it’s ludicrously aggressive, but that to me was part of why I liked it. It’s definitely NOT something you could whore though, so the longer waiting times were more than fine.
The smallest of the three main coasters is Cyclops. I was expecting something pretty small, but it was actually a lot more of a major ride than I was expecting.
There are two decent drops with very good airtime in the back, though not as strong as Hades or Zeus.
The three coasters together:
You enter the park at the top of a hill, which the three main coasters are built on/around. After those rides, the park flattens out at the bottom and has a couple more coasters, a few flat rides and the water park.
The “kiddy” woodie, Pegasus, was again more substantial than I thought, but was a pretty unpleasant ride.
No joy on the only steel coaster in the park unfortunately. This was the only spite of the trip though; I was expecting more to be honest, especially with the kiddy +1s.
Pegasus in the background:
I’m not one to judge people’s lifestyle choices (much), but I found it quite funny to see a bunch of Amish people (possibly Mennonites I guess; I’m not an expert on this ridiculous f**kwiterry) - who spend their lives shunning technology, the modern world and all us regular heathens in it - having a crafty go on a Screaming Swing.
Add in the fact that they’re in a park which celebrates Greek gods, and they’ve clearly just sent themselves to hell.
Apart from some shops which opened up onto the main park, the indoor section next the waterpark was closed. From what I gather, there’s nothing in there anyway now that they’ve got rid of the spinner which chucked someone out. Hopefully, they’ll do something with it though.
Have some more of the fab three woodies all crammed together:
I grabbed a few more pictures of Hades from the car park as I was leaving; You can basically see f**k all of it from inside the park.
Overall thoughts then? It’s a weird one.
I can absolutely see why people wouldn’t like it - it
is a bit of a dump if we’re being honest – but for some reason I really enjoyed the place. It could be down to the fact that I’d had every semblance of a decent expectation destroyed over the last few years. I went in expecting the worst, and it didn’t happen. $10 tickets probably helped as well. When you consider that the coaster just up the road costs $6 a pop, getting the whole park plus the water park for $10 is pretty ridiculous.
I also really liked the three bigger coasters, despite them being pretty violent. I’ve come to the conclusion that, with wooden coasters, I’ll forgive some roughness as long as they actually offer something else, which these three did.
Operations are poor though. My first ride on Cyclops, giving just one example, only had one girl doing everything: letting people into the station, checking restraints on both sides of the train, making announcements and dispatching the ride. That particular individual was doing a great job considering, but many of them weren’t.
Obviously, things aren’t going to be particularly fast with single trains, but the staff are sooooooooooooooo f**king slow on top of that, moving at the pace of paralyzed slugs. Luckily, it wasn’t too busy, and a lot of people were there more for the water park, so I couldn’t really complain, but it’s still frustrating to get to the front of a 40-minute queue (Hades) and realise that you would have waited half that if the staff pulled their thumbs out of their arses.
After the park, I walked back and tried the Timber Falls coaster again since after I’d moaned about it the previous day, people on Facebook had said it was better at the front. It wasn’t as rough; but it was still s**t and didn’t do anything.
Realistically, I could have got the train out that evening – it left around 5:30 – but I’d booked it for the next day since I didn’t really know how much time I’d need at Mt Olympus, and hadn’t expected to polish off Timber Falls on that first evening. Anyway, I had that evening and another full day the next day to kill.
There was path next to the river which I had a quick walk up. The area is really nice.
The downtown area is basically one street which is full of tacky, touristy s**te.
Apart from driving through Pigeon Forge, I hadn’t seen this kind of place in the US before. I imagine Branson is very similar. Clifton Hill on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls is like this as well; an area of natural beauty filled with gross s**t.
It’s no different to what we do in the UK with some of our seaside towns really.
It’s vile, but I strangely didn’t hate it though. I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for tacky s**t like this, even if I’ve got no intention of throwing my money at it.
Walking back to the hotel, I grabbed enough food at Taco Bell to give a small African nation diabetes. This was the first/only place of the trip that reminded me of the kind of places we’d stayed on the US Lives a few years ago: out-of-town, cheap motels surrounded by every chain restaurant you could throw at them. It was fab.
Since I had a day to kill, I did a boat tour the next afternoon, which I might throw in here in the next part.