Ahoy, weary traveller.
I’ve recently visited a couple of parks, with another trip upcoming at the end of this month. These parks are not *fresh* experiences and I’m quite conscious of repetition from other reports. At the very least, these trips don’t feel like they each warrant their own obnoxious thread. Yet, there are some experiences that, in isolation, may be readable. If only there was some way to somehow condense these three vignettes into one consumable portion.
Enter the 'Neapolitan':
As anyone who’s ever been served ice cream at Nan’s house will tell you, a bowl of 'Neapolitan' sounds like a good idea (certainly compared to any choc-ice alternative). Of course, all you are left with is a pining for something better. Or perhaps wishing that you had nothing at all.
Enough foreplay. I’ll now give my usual polite warning for crass language and other content that may be considered crude.
Hold tight. It’s about to get… spicy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Energylandia (Dawn of the First Day - 3 days remaining)
My trip to Energylandia was notable to me, in part, as I would be forsaking my loved ones and be joined by two non-enthusiast friends, whose arms I had managed to twist to an impromptu jaunt (perhaps in part due to the promise of Saturday night mad-lash in Krakow the following day). This gave the whole experience a different flavour: a bit less ‘frolicking with animated Disney birds’ and a bit more ‘farting in a tent at year 7 camp’.
We stayed at Western Camp, obviously. Using a ‘ride-hailing-app’ to and from Western Camp / the airport / Krakow was cheap and recommended. The other caveat is that ride-hailing from Energylandia is not necessarily immediate, so I wouldn’t rely on that if you have an early flight. Our late night flight to Krakow cruised in with plenty of time to raid the McDonalds before closing, ahead of hitting Energylandia the following day. I was supremely excited by the outline of Hyperion in the distance, although my friends were at this point disinterested. Fools!
The cabins at Western Camp are a mixed bag. At face value, delightful. Yet, no sound proofing whatsoever. The biggest downside though was the perpetual alien abduction. Seriously, who though it was a good idea to have this monstrous green light beaming down on your bed?!
I kept waking up intermittently and thinking I was hunting down Agent Starling. I genuinely could have read a book with no additional light. It was ****ing insane.
Time passed and I was now in the early hours. With airport beers, the late-night McDonalds and E.T. all doing their best to keep me awake, I descended into a Lovecraftian madness. A cacophony of laughter grew and the room span round, whilst I helplessly tossed and turned. Was I really at Western Camp, or was it all a dream? In my agony, I suddenly realised that pancakes are called pancakes because they are cakes made in a pan, causing tears to grace my pillow. What else didn’t I know...?
Several sleepless hours and Aristotle-like revelations later, I woke up feeling like I’d been on an all night bender. The room already smelt like **** and crisps. The situation was not improved by the generous spraying of Lynx deodorant. I hid under my pillow from the Swedish House Mafia, who were already tongueing my ears via a naff portable speaker.
Nothing could dampen my spirits for the park itself though. Nervous gasps erupted from my companions as they saw Hyperion in the daylight for the first time. There is a special sort of excitement that is generated by the opportunity of sharing a passion and I immediately went into full enthusiast mode, telling them all about the excitement that lay ahead of them.
Energylandia is without a doubt the greatest and ****** park in Europe. If Limp Bizkit’s cover of George Michael’s “Faith” was a theme park, then I have no doubt that Energylandia would be it. We trotted passed the tat and over to RMF Dragon, which I promised would be a decent ‘warm-up’. Wowzers, what a truly outstanding ride this is, for its size and type. All smiles and laughs from all on this. It’s a shame that this is buried at Energylandia and sort of forgotten about.
Then it was time for the big boy: King Zadra himself. Both friends found themselves in a state of awe and nervousness as we approached. Even I felt a little nervous: Zadra is a spectacle to observe, let alone ride. And, oh boy, what a ride. WHAT A ****ING RIDE. YES! Zadra’s delivery was of the absolute highest DPD standard, leaving all other coasters looking like a pathetic Hermes effort. My second ride on Zadra (on the front row, later in the day) was so strong that I don’t actually think that any ride will ever top that specific ride. It was outrageous in and of itself, but there was something particularly memorable about having a non-enthusiast totally convinced by the supremacy and cheering with you all the way; the SSC most definitely has at least two members now, you’ll be pleased to know. This second ride was so special that I opted not to have a third - why challenge a perfect memory? Intriguingly, the other friend (who typically spends his spare time jumping out of planes and is currently learning to paraglide) had bailed on riding Zadra a second time, as it was too much for him the first time. I’m pretty sure that this has something to do with ‘beers’, which is a subject I will revisit later.
Round the corner we went to Abyssus, which I was seriously excited for. A sprawling long coaster, similar to Lech, with multiple launches? On paper, I may as well have had Abyssus tattooed on my face before I’d even ridden it. Alas, this ride really wasn’t for me. Not on this visit at least. About half-way through the ride I started feeling quite ill and the ride just kept on going and going to the point where I was willing it to end. Abyssus wrecked me and I have no doubt that this was in part due to consumption of alcohol the night before and dehydration. But, as I will expand on in Chapter 2, I definitely react negatively to perpetual slow but notable shifts in positive forces - not dissimilar to a boat bobbing on the rough seas, if you’re ever unfortunate enough to have experienced that. Abyssus definitely had that effect on me. Give me longer more drawn out forces and sensations, or shorter doses of stronger ones. Either way, less in-the-middle ‘wibbling around’, please. I was not more enamoured on my second ride. There is nothing really that stands out and (whilst I hate to say this) it almost felt like ‘a coaster for the sake of a coaster’. I was so indifferent, I questioned whether I was simply bored of coasters in general (although my second ride on Zadra later on put a swift end to that heresy). Post-Abyssus, a delicious snickers ice cream had the effect of a Senzu bean and I was back on the ride wagon… until the backwards section of the new junior boomerang made me question my life choices once again.
Beyond that, there is not much to say about the new ‘Aqualantis’ area. It’s a step above the usual Energylandia tat when it comes to theming, but it’s not particularly notable.
Other highlights / lowlights in no particular order:
- Hyperion is an absolute monster and the sensation of speed makes the front row the go to row. In fact, the same is true of Zadra. Having done both the front and back of Zadra, Hyperion and Abyssus all on the same day, the rule of thumb was cemented in my mind that the front row is typically always superior, particularly for the sensation of speed and general aesthetics. Indeed, airtime is also often superior in the front as you are ‘pushed over’ the hills. Sure, the back has it’s moments, but front row all the way. Oh, go on then have a photo:
- The lift hill on Speed is terrifying and the ride itself is a riot. We got absolutely soaked, to the point where we even used a ‘drying booth’ to soften the blow.
- The haunted / monster house thing is absolutely ****. Monsters and ghouls I get, but why do generic transformer clones suddenly make an appearance? Why are the models all so tatty? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!
- Some cheeky crack-smoker we met in a queue genuinely thought that Mayan was the best ride in the park.
- Mr. Extreme Skydiver's favourite ride ended up being Abyssus. Huh.
- Oh yeah, 'beers'. We all died from being dehydrated and it was a fairly 'low ride count' day when it came to the coasters. I don't think I'll make that mistake again. It probably blighted Abyssus for me on that first ride but, still, my second 'fresher' ride on it was also disappointing, so I left the park with a less than stellar view of Abyssus.
I’ll wrap up by saying that I wasn’t putting up with that green light for night two; I wanted some rest before heading to Krakow in the morning. I showed reception the above photo to which they agreed to deploy a technician. This was their solution:
Actually, I take that back. It was my solution, since at first they didn’t think to use the pamphlet at all. Regardless, at 4am the whole thing fell off the ceiling and illuminated me once more. Now, if you look closely into my cold, dead eyes... you may well see that green light shining back at you.
Chapters 2 and 3 upcoming soon. Thanks for reading.
I’ve recently visited a couple of parks, with another trip upcoming at the end of this month. These parks are not *fresh* experiences and I’m quite conscious of repetition from other reports. At the very least, these trips don’t feel like they each warrant their own obnoxious thread. Yet, there are some experiences that, in isolation, may be readable. If only there was some way to somehow condense these three vignettes into one consumable portion.
Enter the 'Neapolitan':
As anyone who’s ever been served ice cream at Nan’s house will tell you, a bowl of 'Neapolitan' sounds like a good idea (certainly compared to any choc-ice alternative). Of course, all you are left with is a pining for something better. Or perhaps wishing that you had nothing at all.
Enough foreplay. I’ll now give my usual polite warning for crass language and other content that may be considered crude.
Hold tight. It’s about to get… spicy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Energylandia (Dawn of the First Day - 3 days remaining)
My trip to Energylandia was notable to me, in part, as I would be forsaking my loved ones and be joined by two non-enthusiast friends, whose arms I had managed to twist to an impromptu jaunt (perhaps in part due to the promise of Saturday night mad-lash in Krakow the following day). This gave the whole experience a different flavour: a bit less ‘frolicking with animated Disney birds’ and a bit more ‘farting in a tent at year 7 camp’.
We stayed at Western Camp, obviously. Using a ‘ride-hailing-app’ to and from Western Camp / the airport / Krakow was cheap and recommended. The other caveat is that ride-hailing from Energylandia is not necessarily immediate, so I wouldn’t rely on that if you have an early flight. Our late night flight to Krakow cruised in with plenty of time to raid the McDonalds before closing, ahead of hitting Energylandia the following day. I was supremely excited by the outline of Hyperion in the distance, although my friends were at this point disinterested. Fools!
The cabins at Western Camp are a mixed bag. At face value, delightful. Yet, no sound proofing whatsoever. The biggest downside though was the perpetual alien abduction. Seriously, who though it was a good idea to have this monstrous green light beaming down on your bed?!
I kept waking up intermittently and thinking I was hunting down Agent Starling. I genuinely could have read a book with no additional light. It was ****ing insane.
Time passed and I was now in the early hours. With airport beers, the late-night McDonalds and E.T. all doing their best to keep me awake, I descended into a Lovecraftian madness. A cacophony of laughter grew and the room span round, whilst I helplessly tossed and turned. Was I really at Western Camp, or was it all a dream? In my agony, I suddenly realised that pancakes are called pancakes because they are cakes made in a pan, causing tears to grace my pillow. What else didn’t I know...?
Several sleepless hours and Aristotle-like revelations later, I woke up feeling like I’d been on an all night bender. The room already smelt like **** and crisps. The situation was not improved by the generous spraying of Lynx deodorant. I hid under my pillow from the Swedish House Mafia, who were already tongueing my ears via a naff portable speaker.
Nothing could dampen my spirits for the park itself though. Nervous gasps erupted from my companions as they saw Hyperion in the daylight for the first time. There is a special sort of excitement that is generated by the opportunity of sharing a passion and I immediately went into full enthusiast mode, telling them all about the excitement that lay ahead of them.
Nitefly: “Oh man, I’m so stoked for today, you guys are going to get to go on Zadra!! It’s an RMC!!! 
”
Friend A: “RMC?”
Nitefly: “It’s a special type of rollercoaster - the best ever made!!!”
Friend A: “What does it stand for?”
N: “Rocky Mountain Construction! They only started making them about 10 years ago, when they converted a famous wooden rollercoaster in Texas. They are known for taking old wooden rollercoasters and making them into ‘hybrids’, using wood and metal. But more importantly, they do manoeuvres that are really extreme, way crazier than any rides before them… so much airtime! Airtime is what it’s called when your bum is out of your seat. They really perfected it. Since their originals, which had a special topper track time, they then started deploying a new type of track called “i-box” and that’s what we’ll be riding today and -“
A: “WAIT….. RMC…. you mean… the Rocky Mountain Club?!”
N: “Uh… I…. didn’t say that?”
Friend B: “Yeah, you did. That’s what I heard. RMC: the Rocky Mountain Club.”
A: “Sounds like a goooooooood club.”
N: “…..”
B: “How much does it cost?”
N: “… what?”
B: “Club membership. To the Rocky Mountain Club.”
N: “….”
A: “Must be expensive when there’s only one member.”
B: “Ha yes. One member of the Rocky Mountain Club!”
A: “More like… the Rocky **** Club!”
B: “No, the ****ty **** Club!”
A: “Yeah, the SSC!”
B: “Haha yeah! SSC, SSC!”
A+B (chanting and dancing around Nitefly): *SSC! SSC! SSC! SSC!*
”Friend A: “RMC?”
Nitefly: “It’s a special type of rollercoaster - the best ever made!!!”
Friend A: “What does it stand for?”
N: “Rocky Mountain Construction! They only started making them about 10 years ago, when they converted a famous wooden rollercoaster in Texas. They are known for taking old wooden rollercoasters and making them into ‘hybrids’, using wood and metal. But more importantly, they do manoeuvres that are really extreme, way crazier than any rides before them… so much airtime! Airtime is what it’s called when your bum is out of your seat. They really perfected it. Since their originals, which had a special topper track time, they then started deploying a new type of track called “i-box” and that’s what we’ll be riding today and -“
A: “WAIT….. RMC…. you mean… the Rocky Mountain Club?!”
N: “Uh… I…. didn’t say that?”
Friend B: “Yeah, you did. That’s what I heard. RMC: the Rocky Mountain Club.”
A: “Sounds like a goooooooood club.”
N: “…..”
B: “How much does it cost?”
N: “… what?”
B: “Club membership. To the Rocky Mountain Club.”
N: “….”
A: “Must be expensive when there’s only one member.”
B: “Ha yes. One member of the Rocky Mountain Club!”
A: “More like… the Rocky **** Club!”
B: “No, the ****ty **** Club!”
A: “Yeah, the SSC!”
B: “Haha yeah! SSC, SSC!”
A+B (chanting and dancing around Nitefly): *SSC! SSC! SSC! SSC!*
Energylandia is without a doubt the greatest and ****** park in Europe. If Limp Bizkit’s cover of George Michael’s “Faith” was a theme park, then I have no doubt that Energylandia would be it. We trotted passed the tat and over to RMF Dragon, which I promised would be a decent ‘warm-up’. Wowzers, what a truly outstanding ride this is, for its size and type. All smiles and laughs from all on this. It’s a shame that this is buried at Energylandia and sort of forgotten about.
Then it was time for the big boy: King Zadra himself. Both friends found themselves in a state of awe and nervousness as we approached. Even I felt a little nervous: Zadra is a spectacle to observe, let alone ride. And, oh boy, what a ride. WHAT A ****ING RIDE. YES! Zadra’s delivery was of the absolute highest DPD standard, leaving all other coasters looking like a pathetic Hermes effort. My second ride on Zadra (on the front row, later in the day) was so strong that I don’t actually think that any ride will ever top that specific ride. It was outrageous in and of itself, but there was something particularly memorable about having a non-enthusiast totally convinced by the supremacy and cheering with you all the way; the SSC most definitely has at least two members now, you’ll be pleased to know. This second ride was so special that I opted not to have a third - why challenge a perfect memory? Intriguingly, the other friend (who typically spends his spare time jumping out of planes and is currently learning to paraglide) had bailed on riding Zadra a second time, as it was too much for him the first time. I’m pretty sure that this has something to do with ‘beers’, which is a subject I will revisit later.
Round the corner we went to Abyssus, which I was seriously excited for. A sprawling long coaster, similar to Lech, with multiple launches? On paper, I may as well have had Abyssus tattooed on my face before I’d even ridden it. Alas, this ride really wasn’t for me. Not on this visit at least. About half-way through the ride I started feeling quite ill and the ride just kept on going and going to the point where I was willing it to end. Abyssus wrecked me and I have no doubt that this was in part due to consumption of alcohol the night before and dehydration. But, as I will expand on in Chapter 2, I definitely react negatively to perpetual slow but notable shifts in positive forces - not dissimilar to a boat bobbing on the rough seas, if you’re ever unfortunate enough to have experienced that. Abyssus definitely had that effect on me. Give me longer more drawn out forces and sensations, or shorter doses of stronger ones. Either way, less in-the-middle ‘wibbling around’, please. I was not more enamoured on my second ride. There is nothing really that stands out and (whilst I hate to say this) it almost felt like ‘a coaster for the sake of a coaster’. I was so indifferent, I questioned whether I was simply bored of coasters in general (although my second ride on Zadra later on put a swift end to that heresy). Post-Abyssus, a delicious snickers ice cream had the effect of a Senzu bean and I was back on the ride wagon… until the backwards section of the new junior boomerang made me question my life choices once again.
Beyond that, there is not much to say about the new ‘Aqualantis’ area. It’s a step above the usual Energylandia tat when it comes to theming, but it’s not particularly notable.
Other highlights / lowlights in no particular order:
- Hyperion is an absolute monster and the sensation of speed makes the front row the go to row. In fact, the same is true of Zadra. Having done both the front and back of Zadra, Hyperion and Abyssus all on the same day, the rule of thumb was cemented in my mind that the front row is typically always superior, particularly for the sensation of speed and general aesthetics. Indeed, airtime is also often superior in the front as you are ‘pushed over’ the hills. Sure, the back has it’s moments, but front row all the way. Oh, go on then have a photo:
- The lift hill on Speed is terrifying and the ride itself is a riot. We got absolutely soaked, to the point where we even used a ‘drying booth’ to soften the blow.
- The haunted / monster house thing is absolutely ****. Monsters and ghouls I get, but why do generic transformer clones suddenly make an appearance? Why are the models all so tatty? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!
- Some cheeky crack-smoker we met in a queue genuinely thought that Mayan was the best ride in the park.
- Mr. Extreme Skydiver's favourite ride ended up being Abyssus. Huh.
- Oh yeah, 'beers'. We all died from being dehydrated and it was a fairly 'low ride count' day when it came to the coasters. I don't think I'll make that mistake again. It probably blighted Abyssus for me on that first ride but, still, my second 'fresher' ride on it was also disappointing, so I left the park with a less than stellar view of Abyssus.
I’ll wrap up by saying that I wasn’t putting up with that green light for night two; I wanted some rest before heading to Krakow in the morning. I showed reception the above photo to which they agreed to deploy a technician. This was their solution:
Actually, I take that back. It was my solution, since at first they didn’t think to use the pamphlet at all. Regardless, at 4am the whole thing fell off the ceiling and illuminated me once more. Now, if you look closely into my cold, dead eyes... you may well see that green light shining back at you.
Chapters 2 and 3 upcoming soon. Thanks for reading.
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