Bellend & Vadge in the Land of Smego.

[Ian]

Yesterday (Saturday 10th April), Vadge and me went to Legoland Windsor and here is our story.

It took 15 mins of queuing to get parked. I arrived about 10 mins before Vadge and was horrified at the queues.

I was expecting it to be busy, Legoland always is. Especially on a lovely day as this photo of Windsor shows. That’s the castle in the middle.

Vadge arrived and we went to Guest Services to get a spakka band. The bloke informed us that spakka bands are only available to those with mental illnesses, not physical ones! IE: for people who don’t understand the concept of queuing. I guess that’s good news for the French.

So without a spakka band, we were resigned to hour-long queues. We decided we’d just have a day pottering around only doing one or two rides.

Our first stop was the Lego Racers thing. Neither of us had done this before so we joined the 15 minute queue.

The idea of the ride is that you build a Lego racing car and race it.

There’s a little preshow instructing you how to make your character and car. It’s quite repetitive but I guess it needs to be like that so the kids understand.

After the preshow, you’re presented with a touch screen computer where you create you car and Legoman.

The process is very fast, you have to be on the ball otherwise the computer selects it for you. Obviously I tried to make mine as retarded looking as possible.

Then you enter a large room with arcade style racing cars!

You find your creation…

…elegantly adjust your seat…

..and lose to six year old kids!

The exit takes you though the museumy sort of area, so as Vadge went to leak her vadge, I took a butchers.
The Queen of In-ger-land.

The Imperial Crown.

Upstairs there’s a “Wall of Fame”. Some of them are quite good but you have to be standing quite far back to make out the likeness. I though some of them were quite impressive. Here’s Kate Winslet.

And some others, including The Stig and Leona Lewis.

There are some Lego busts knocking about. Here’s Winston.

Pavarotti – must have needed a lot of bricks for him! LOL and other fat jokes.

And this is Mandela, although I think it’s more Trevor McDonald.

There’s also a lifesize recreation of Rodin’s “The Thinker” sculpture….

…without a cock.

There’s a plane and thankfully this one wasn’t carrying Polish dignitaries.

We headed back outside for a fag – there is only one smoking area in the park. Somehow Vadge managed to get her re-entry stamp on the side of her face.

We decided to hire a wheelchair. I was fine with this as it meant I got to push Vadge around all day and irritate her by being a twat. Yes, I made beeping noises as I reversed, parked her facing bushes, doing sharp turns and making her wave at people.

We minced around the model area. Here’s our glorious capital.

Downing Street.

Buckingham Palace (complete with wheely_Vadge in the background).

Brighton Pier.

Brighton seafront, complete with a kebab van at the end!

After looking at them, we thought we’d try our luck getting through the ride exits with the wheelchair.

We headed to the log flume and walked straight on, bypassing an hour-long queue! Huzzah!

It’s full of mincing pirates.

We got mildly moist on log flume and headed to the Dragon Coaster.

We used the disabled lift, which has this sign.

We both read it at the same time and looked up to the ceiling before looking at each other and laughing. Why it was funny I don’t know, but it just was. Here’s the ceiling.

The disabled lift takes you right to the station We managed to bypass another enormous queue

The ride itself was pretty crap, the theme is ok, although some effects were not working.

The Gay Dragon Coaster wasn’t working today L

After taking the piss on two rides in short succession, we faffed about for a while, walking around the park. Well, I walked and pushed, Vadge just sat there moaning about my driving skills.

We took a walk & wheel past the site of the Claustro Cred – the Jungle Coaster.

It’s the site for the new hotel. Yawn. Although I’m sure it’ll look pretty good.

On the way past the waterbomb spinny ride, I parked Vadge so she would get wet. And she did. Marvellous.
The area around the live action show is a nightmare. People everywhere, especially ****ing pushchairs. It was really difficult to navigate the wheelchair through the crowds. Eventually we made it through and went on the laser-shooting ride. Again, using the exit bypassing a huge queue.

It’s an ok ride, not as good as Tomb Blaster at Chessington, but a million times better than Chuff Nuggets at Drayton.

In our opinion, there was only one more ride worth doing; the rapids. The rapids are at the top of a massive hill. I pushed Vadge up this far…

…and realising that I had this much further to go…

...the lazy mare got off her fat arse and hobbled the rest of the way up. Which was handy because as I was pushing her uphill, my bum was sticking out in the air and I was conscious of the sweat dripping down my arse crack.

The rapid are pretty good. It’s not choppy like the ones at Thorpe or Alton, but it is very violent when the boats hit the walls and the theme is decent enough.

Here’s a big titted Legowoman.

We didn’t get as wet as we expected as some effects were not working. Thankfully! Although we would have dried out in no time. At least we didn’t have to queue!

Our time at Legoland was nearing to an end. It was hot, I was worn out pushing Vadge about and there wasn’t anything else to keep us there. We used the funicular (*snigger*) railway to get back to the top and returned the wheelchair.

We minced around in the shop for a while and they have some really cool stuff in there. If anybody is thinking of buying me a 30th birthday present in September, any of these will be fine :wink:

Legoland also does not feel like a Merlin park yet. I appreciate that they are trying to maintain the Lego brand first and foremost, but it doesn’t have that Merlin feel to it. None of the staff asked “Hi, how are you? How’s you day been so far” and the spakka band rules are different to the other parks. It feels like it’s more an adopted member of the Merlin family. Something is not quite right and I can’t pinpoint what exactly. And that will annoy me.

I very much doubt that I will be returning to Legoland again this season. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great day out with Vadge, but the park itself is not for me. There’s enough there to enjoy, but not enough to love.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Jake]

What do you mean 'it doesn't feel like a Merlin park YET'? It's been a Merlin park longer than Chessie, Alton and Thorpe

 

[Ian]

The other Merlin parks feel like Merlin Parks...Legoland doesn't regardless of when they acquired it!

 

[LiveForTheLaunch]

You hired a wheelchair as a means to get around long queues? I think that's actually pretty rude.

 

[Nemesis Inferno]

^Vadge does have a very dodgy leg at the moment though, and at the other Merlin parks can get a disabled wristband...

So tbh, it's more the staff's fault for not checking properly really...

 

[LiveForTheLaunch]

^ Oh okay fair enough then . I was about to say that they're lacking morals, but I should probably learn to shush before I make assumptions!

:lol:

Interesting report though, Legoland looks.. Cute, I guess.

 

[nealbie]

There’s a plane and thankfully this one wasn’t carrying Polish dignitaries.

That's DRASTICALLY out of order - and you have a go at me for likewise!

Glad you had a good day though

 

[Nic]

As Benin pointed out, I am entitled to a disabled exit pass at the other Merlin parks, and would've got one here too, but the rules are different. The guy at guest services actually suggested to me that I should get a wheelchair instead. I also carry a doctors letter around with me to parks as proof of my disability if they ever want it. I could've just about coped on just my stick for the day, especially as we were only there a few hours, but I do find it very hard to do a whole day at Legoland. All the hills and slopes make my foot hurt even more, and having to be on it in all the queues just makes it even worse.
There, I don't feel guilty anymore!

But yes, awesome day. Excellent weather! Despite all my moaning, Ian actually did a pretty good job of driving me, especially as it was so incredibly busy.

I probably will go to the fireworks if someone's doing a trip this year, but I won't bother otherwise. We did the 4 rides, then were really bored. There's just nothing else worth riding for adults really, especially now claustro cred has gone. Also, the queues were horrendous. It would actually have been horrible to be there with small kids yesterday because you would've spent your whole day trying to entertain them in massive queues. The park desperately needs a new decent size ride that can take the pressure off a bit elsewhere.

I think the park could do with a spruce up. There were a lot of effects not working on all the rides we went on which was really disappointing. There are also massive empty spaces around the flog lume, and a lot of time spent peering into the maintenence yard, which really need some work. I also felt like the mini land models didn't look as impressive as they used to. They're all starting to look a bit faded, and again, a lot of the effects such as moving ships etc wern't working.

So, overall - good day, although the park itself was a bit disappointing.

 

[peep]

Nice PTR Ian. I would have highly recommended the new 4D film, or the Bob the Builder one (he builds a coaster!) as they are decent shows.

 

[Nic]

^We saw the Bob the Builder one at the fireworks last year.

 

[Martyn]

Is there any more subtle Lego kitchen-ey merchandise?

I like the idea of lego salt and pepper pots, but those ones are a bit crap. I either want proper brick-like ones (standard size and all that - so you could mistake them for normal Lego) or grinders in the shape of lego men, where you'd turn their heads and ground pepper would come out of their feet.

The big yellow heads are a bit rubbish and look too much like the Pringles man.

 

[Ian]

There was a range of kitchen stuffs but nothing like you described. I going to get one of those cookie jars soon - I MUST have one to complete my life - so I'm going to make a special trip just for it (won't bother with the rest of the park though). I'll give you a buzz when I'm there.

 

[Martyn]

I think I'm onto something with my pepper grinder idea. It would be amazing having a couple of Lego men standing on your dining table who dispense salt and pepper when you twist their necks.

 

[Ian]

Yeah, and you could buy different Lego hats and hair so you can change it every day.

Are you secretly planning to be on CDWM?

 

[Martyn]

Unfortunately not, not without a dining room!

 

[Ian]

MARTYN! A Lego peppermill exists! Not to your design but...
http://www.geeky-gadgets.com/the-lego-k ... 9-10-2009/

 

[Nic]

Dammit, Ian, can't you jsut wait till your birthday. I WILL get you a cookie jar. I promise.

Oh, and Hoyer, they didn't have pepper grinders like that, but they did have dynamo torches where you wound up the lego man's arm and it shon out of his feet.

Edit^ I want that breakfast bar in my life!

However, would these be more to your taste?

 

[Martyn]

^Yes! Those are cool!

Where did you find them?

Edit: Found some on eBay... hmm.

Nice try, Ian, but yeah, I just want the two people grinder now. Even though it doesn't exist!

 

[furie]

I think I'm onto something with my pepper grinder idea. It would be amazing having a couple of Lego men standing on your dining table who dispense salt and pepper when you twist their necks.

Why not have salt in one half, pepper in the other of a single man. You turn his right arm and salt comes out of his right leg, and his left arm and pepper comes out of his left leg?

Though twisty head grinders are also awesome

 

[Martyn]

I think I'm onto something with my pepper grinder idea. It would be amazing having a couple of Lego men standing on your dining table who dispense salt and pepper when you twist their necks.

Why not have salt in one half, pepper in the other of a single man. You turn his right arm and salt comes out of his right leg, and his left arm and pepper comes out of his left leg?

Though twisty head grinders are also awesome

Because having two men (or women) on your table is better.

I rather like Ian's hat idea too. If you're having Chilli or Fajitas, you could give your Lego men big sombreros.

Obviously a sombrero would make it hard to grind the salt or pepper, but it doesn't matter, because who puts pepper on Fajitas anyway?