It’s been a couple of weeks since I went, and it wasn’t the best trip I’ve ever done, so I was thinking of sacking off reporting at all. I’ve got a pile of test papers that need marking though, so I need something to do to put those off. I had been holding off on Tianjin for ages, thinking that I’d just tie it in with an eventual revisit to Beijing, but since that’s going to be held off even longer – until the B&M hyper goes up – I thought I should just get it done. It was the start of Golden Week – where most people in China have the whole week off work and it can be a nightmare for domestic travel – but it was all totally fine, partly because I traveled up there on the Friday night before it all kicked in properly and partly because Tianjin isn’t really a place most people would go for tourism anyway. Happy Valley Tianjin Like all the Tianjin parks, this place was quite far out of the city centre. The first two taxi drivers I tried had no clue what/where it was and did the whole confused chin-rub thing, which I learned a long time ago to take as a sign to just get out and find another one since it’s not worth the hassle to piss about trying to show them where it is while there are dozens of other cabs driving past who might have a f**king clue. Anyway, third time lucky and I was there just after opening. The El Loco was due to open about an hour later. The kiddy coaster in front of it was open though, so I got that knocked off quickly just before a coachload of school kids lined up. Some theming which had no relevance to what was actually there: The mine train and water ride were both down for “maintenance”, but they looked f**ked to be honest, the coaster especially, so I just headed to the outside section. The main reason for coming here was the woodie, Fjord Flying Dragon. It’s difficult to get decent pictures of it, and the outside area was dead, so dispatches were very few and far between. I think I took these few pictures early anyway, before it was even open, and went back outside to ride it a bit later. I liked it a lot, but I think it would probably have been better later on a busier day with a chance to warm up. I’ve done a clone – at least I think it’s a clone – at Fantawild Zhuzhou, and didn’t really rate it compared to Fantawild’s other woodies, but for some reason this one at Happy Valley seemed a bit better. Didn’t do either of these. Strangely for a Happy Valley park, there was quite a bit of Chinese stuff. Most of them are filled with Zamperla, but not here. At least, I’m pretty sure that frisbee is Chinese; I didn’t get that close to look. Parts of the outdoor area were really well-themed. The large tower is a Christmas-themed drop tower, which I was really excited to try out for the WTF value, especially since it’s so different from anything at other Happy Valley parks. It was f**king shut for “maintenance” though. Bastards. By this time the El Loco was due to open, so I got behind about 10 people who were also waiting for them to open the queue line. This was definitely a good idea since the queue built up very quickly. For some strange reason, the indoor area was quite busy and the outdoor area was almost empty. I left early though, so I guess people probably moved through a bit later. Anyway. I was expecting capacity to be horrible, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It was all done very weirdly, but at least there were multiple trains being used. It was a bit better than the same model at Indiana Beach and Flamingoland because it only uses lapbars, but these are still crap. There’s on onboard audio system as well, but, unsurprisingly, it was f**ked. Spiteful cred with another f**ked ride: I didn’t see any signs or information about Halloween, but this was clearly for that. The smaller building had a fairly long Haunted House walkthrough. Most (all?) Happy Valley parks have at least one of these, and they’re all s**te. This one was longer than most, spread over different floors with pitch black stairs for extra safety, but it was still awful. So much of the stuff inside was broken. It was clear that in some sections, lights should have come on, animatonics should have moved etc., but it didn’t work. Then there was the revolving tunnel which didn’t revolve and the vibrating floors which didn’t vibrate. All totally knackered. Then there was this “Spiderman-style” 4D dark ride. Happy Valley just fail at these so, so badly. This one was Christmas-themed and, again, it was knackered. So many of the projectors were f**ked, so you had this weird shadow thing happening. If you closed one eye, you would just see nothing because the corresponding projector wasn’t working, so you’re left with a 2D image if you look through the other eye or just take the classes off, or a headache. There was also one of those rising/falling effects, which are usually great, but it was, again f**ked. The car tilted slightly side to side, but the screen froze and the chaser lights at the sides didn’t work at all. F**king s**te. I went to catch a show inside, one of those thing with live actors behind a glass screen which gets projected onto. For some unknown reason, as I went in, the whole sound/projection system was running. There was only me and about 5 other people, but we clearly shouldn’t have been let in as they were obviously running the thing through to check it. So, after we’d seen most of it, without anyone in it, they then decided to run it properly. This lasted for about 2 minutes, before the actress disappeared and then popped out of a side door, waving frantically at the attendant. The whole thing just shut down before the theatre was filled with the sounds of Windows being restarted. By this point, I’d just had enough so let myself out of an emergency exit while the attendant looked confused and tried to get me to sit back down. I couldn’t possibly want to leave before I’d seen the show! I’d seen a show thanks: a total s**tshow. The whole park was a total s**tshow. I thought about getting more rides in on the woodie, but I’d just had enough of this place by that point and didn’t want to spend any more time there. It’s a f**king joke, with so many rides down for the count, and so many other, open, rides totally knackered. I thought it was just a bad day, but it clearly wasn’t since @HeartlineCoaster has also recently reported from here from a visit a few weeks earlier with the same things closed and the same things f**ked. This place was, by far, the worst of the Happy Valley parks I’ve done. I’ve always defended the chain in the past, but this place was a f**king embarrassment. It’s falling to pieces and with no sign of them doing anything to fix the issues at all. F**k that place. I was out of there after a couple of hours – I’d allowed myself a full day – and got a taxi to another park that I wasn’t going to bother with originally. Next part: Fantawild. Another bastard Fantawild.