Tell or Don't Tell?

[LiveForTheLaunch]

Sort of a simple question, really. Do you agree with concealing the truth from a loved one who is in the final stages of life?

I often think about end of life matters, I don't know why, I think it's a morbid fascination, but I've always been into the assisted suicide debate and all that. With one of my family members in the hospital, and having everyone go up there and see her while she's still awake, but having to lie to her and tell her it's just "visitor day" when she got worried, I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole idea. Similar to when my uncle's diagnosis turned terminal. Everyone in my family knew for months, apart from him, and everyone tried to keep it from him until the doctor told him (and subsequently got beat with a chair by my mother). Even after the doctor told him they tried to say it was all wrong, etc.

I honestly can't say I have an opinion on this. If it were me, I think I'd want to know. But then I think, I wouldn't want to be depressed for my final days, or scared? Plus, when you stop fighting mentally, sometimes you stop fighting physically. But I can't say I'm on either side of the argument, because I can see both perspectives. Something I do think is acceptable though, is when people hide their own diagnosis from family members. A friend of a friend who passed away about a year ago did that, and I can completely see why.

So anyway, what do you guys think about telling a loved one their dying, or that you're dying? Right or wrong?

 

[Snoo]

Depends on what it is really. If it will haunt me not being able to reveal something they should have known, then I'll reveal it. If it is something small, not that big deal, and would have been of little consequence, they can enjoy their final bit of time without it.

 

[LiveForTheLaunch]

^ I don't really get it? I meant is it right to tell people they're dying or not, or to conceal the fact that you're dying from your loved one?

 

[ciallkennett]

^ I think Marcus responded how I took the reading of your post, about whether to confess to somebody who is dying something that has been withheld from them in the past or to identify a lie and hope to ask for forgiveness. I think that point as well as Taylor's original should be raised together.

I guess I'm in a very fortunate position in that death has not been a part of my life whatsoever. I'm fortunate enough to say that so far in my life, I have not faced seeing a family member pass away, nor a close friend (or even an estranged friend), so for me the question of "would I tell somebody I know who is dying the truth" would have to be a theoretical answer.

And I guess that I would. I'd like somebody who I know who is dying to enjoy their final moments, but if it was something that I would regret them not knowing about after they passed away, I'd have to tell them. Something which would destroy their outlook on life as a whole I wouldn't say - such as if they were adopted by never told. But perhaps if I'd said something to them to cover my own or somebody else's actions (such as - for example - an extra-martial affair from a previous marriage) then I would tell them.

If I was dying, I'd want people to be as truthful to me as possible. I actively encourage people I know to be truthful to me as it is, even if they feel it will hurt me. I've heard stuff that most people would hate being said about them, but it means nothing to me as they have a valid opinion and as long as it's justified, I don't mind at all.

So basically: I would tell a dying loved one some things, but would refrain from the extremes, and I would want my loved ones to be truthful to me as I lie on my death bed.

 

[Snoo]

Ahh yes. Pardon.. as Ciall pointed out.. read that wrong.

Basically I agree in all aspects of what he said. I'd want to know and have people know.

 

[LiveForTheLaunch]

Kay there, I edited the question. Is it a good idea to tell a loved one their dying or is it better to keep it from them?

There. I can see how it got misunderstood.

 

[Ben]

and subsequently got beat with a chair by my mother)

This story needs to be expanded on, it sounds amazing.

I... to be honest, I didn't realise you weren't told?

I'd want to know if I was gonna get spited, especially since you'd have a pretty good idea ANYWAY, it'd be better to be sure.

 

[Ian]

If the person is still moderately responsive, then yes, tell them. They may have last requests.

If I was the terminally ill person, I'd want to know. That way I can instruct people to do certain things to make sure everything in my life was sorted. There's nothing worse than leaving mess and confusion behind.

 

[kimahri]

I'd like to told if I was dieing. On the other hand, if I knew some one who was going to die really soon I'd tell them regardless of if they wanted to know or if I was going to be beaten up by a chair wielding canadian maniac, that is if they can remember it the next day... Telling them over and over would just get annoying.

 

[furie]

I'm actually struggling to believe that people aren't told. I must be being naive here, but I'd have thought that the person it would most affect (i.e. the one dying) would be in on it.

As Ian says, it gives you the opportunity to put you affairs in order (or at the very least make sure she doesn't turn up in a short skirt at the funeral) and prepare yourself. You can let people know what's going on and say goodbye properly.

I don't think knowing is a nice thing, but it's more beneficial to the person than not knowing. I wouldn't think for a second of withholding the information and I wouldn't it withheld from me.

I saw my Grandad about two days before he died, and even though they didn't know if he was going to die or not (he'd had a series of strokes over a couple of years and a bad one that landed him hospital), he said to me that he was tired, he was ready and just wanted peace now. Mentally he was prepared for it and happy to go. I think it's wrong to allow somebody the respect of being ready.

 

[marc]

I would tell them.

When my dad was clearly dying my mum was telling everyone he was going to be ok. By luck I bumped into their friends and told them that if they want to see my dad they should go that night. They all did go and my dad died that night.

I dont think people should cover things up and carry on like nothing is wrong. Yes people live in hope and dont want to beleive things etc but why lie to someone right at the end when you have tried to be honest all their lives.

If I was dying I would want to know, I have things to tell loved ones and get things in place.

 

[nadroJ]

I would tell them. You have a right to know. And surely, you'd know yourself anyway? When my nan was ill with cancer the doctors kept telling her she had a chance but she knew she was dying, she could feel it within herself and so she wrote letters to all of us saying goodbye.

Also, maybe different countries have different policies? I swear in England you are told if you are going to die.

 

[LiveForTheLaunch]

Yeah, it is a bit odd that they'd tell the family before the person themselves. I think in the case of being diagnosed with something and it being terminal, the doctors tell the patient straightforward and stuff. If the person isn't coherent (like my Nana), I can see why they don't tell the patient, but with my Uncle I really don't understand why they didn't? I think my family might have requested it because they wanted him to keep fighting, which I understand too. With someone who is diagnosed as terminal right off the bat, at least telling them gives them a chance to live until they get more sick, whereas if someone is diagnosed as terminal when they're already bedridden, it gives them a chance to say goodbye but not to really "live life."

This story needs to be expanded on, it sounds amazing.

My uncle had nurses come to the house because my family didn't wanna put him in the hospital, and my mom told the nurse not to tell my uncle that he had a certain amount of time left or whatever, then he did anyways, so my mom chased him out of the house and threw a chair at him and told him never to come back .

I think the person has a RIGHT to know, but there are certain situations where I think it's best not to tell (alzheimers, or anything that destroys the mind really).

 

[mouse]

I think it depends on their mental state.
If they are mentally all there then they should be told. Like Ian said, so they can have things sorted out, and make sure they have the goodbye they want.
If they aren't mentally there then I think I wouldn't tell them. No point getting them all worried or upset about it, just keep it peaceful.

 

[furie]

I think my family might have requested it because they wanted him to keep fighting, which I understand too.

My best friend at uni's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was given three months to live or something. There was a 1% chance that a new treatment or set of treatments may cure her though, but the treatment was horrific.

She went for the treatment, despite that my friend and his dad both advised her against it. they didn't want her to die, but they didn't want her to go through her last months in pain and indignity. She did anyway and managed to drag out six extra months of excruciating pain, vomiting and incontinence that she would otherwise have avoided. The family had to watch her become a wretched invalid all for the sake of trying to "fight".

It's not always a good thing and the respectful thing to do is to simply let somebody go in their own time and at their own pace, when they're good and ready.

That sounds contradictory actually, but I also mean that the doctors shouldn't hold out such tiny hope either.

 

[LiveForTheLaunch]

^ But sometimes that's a good thing. I've gotten involved with following the journeys of a few kids who are terminal (with brain cancer, I got kind of involved in the community after my uncle passed), and even though they were given between three and six months, one of them just finished a treatment about a year after being diagnosed and is now walking and doing everything again, from being completely immobile a month ago.

My cousin's husband's ex also was given three months back in May, yet she's still alive now which is weird because she stopped all treatment.

So it just depends, sometimes the treatments are excruciating but worth it. Obviously not in the case you're talking about, but sometimes they are and you don't know until you try.

 

[furie]

It depends on the chances. For a 1% chance, it just isn't worth it. If it's say a 40% or 50% chance then yes it is. Age is also a factor. As a 60+ year old woman, you're less likely to make it through anyway. I'd be happy to get as far as 60 and then go out the best way possible

 

[Josh73]

If the person is still moderately responsive, then yes, tell them. They may have last requests.

Thhis. But to be honest, I would get the doctor to. I wouldn't have the heart.