Part 1: Thorpe One, May 2021
(Photos are from 2019)
Here's your long anticipated Thorpe Park trip report. I didn't bother showing up this year until dark rides were allowed to open, so wait I did and when the Labyrinth was ready to go I booked it for the first weekend. Last time I came here was October 2020 which was an epic round-off to the year full of spooks, queues and underwhelming upcharges.
There are two main ways of getting to the park for me: either take the train from Waterloo to Staines and get the 950 bus from there, or hop on a bus on Saturdays & holidays that starts from as far away as Hertfordshire which is highly convenient for me. A third method would be unveiled soon, bit we've still got a year before I decide to uncover that. I'll just say: trust me it's not that exciting, and it's utterly pointless.
Arriving at the park I got a timeslot for the Labyrinth and conveniently it's next to Colossus which at the time was always my first ride in the park.
Running oddly well, pleasantly surprised.
Up next: Saw, which on this very day became my favourite ride in the park. I'd always looked down on it in the past with some especially blah rides the year prior but it's decided to behave itself finally. The dive loop retains its spot as the best bit, and if that midcourse ever nips the speed I really won't be happy.
So what do I do after Saw? Go straight back on again immediately.
Another thing to note with this ride is that everyone I have ever talked to, who's ridden Jigsaw's gauntlet, dramatically curse the Devil over an apparent pothole at the bottom of the drop that always ruins everything for them. I'm sorry but... are we riding the same Saw? I've seen people jolt violently from the pothole with my own eyes, and not one time have I ever felt it? Am I going truly insane or what?
Anyway, I still have time to kill so why not book a ticket for the Ghost Train, for a time right after Labyrinth, then reacquaint myself with Stealth?
I'm assigned back row, it was great as always, the launch is fantastic, the airtime over the top hat is fantastic, and the going down bit is fantastic. That's all there is to say really.
Now, wouldn't it be funny if I started cutting things reeeeeal close? I throw myself into a 40 minute queue for Stealth, again, with my Black Mirror timeslot in 45. Cue conflicting thoughts of "have I made a horrible mistake or nah?", but I'm too far in the queue now to reverse my decision.
Assigned back row again. The launch is fantastic, the airtime over the top hat is fantastic, and the going down bit is fantastic.
With no time to waste it was finally time for Black Mirror Labyrinth. I wasn't sure what my expectations were going into this but I heard "Mirror maze" get tossed around so they certainly weren't high. If anything I most likely went in 'head empty' like nearly everyone else. After a highly uneventful queue I was in.
The ride, or experience shall I say, starts off with a preshow that has some rambling about the data that you've uploaded to the Internet, and how this Ride To Happiness-esque robot lady now has enough information to know everything about you because you upload your life for everyone to see. She uses this to turn evil where our protagonist, identity unknown, reacts quickly to get us out of the preshow area.
Here's where it really starts. A slightly claustrophobic (that's a good thing in this context) pentagon maze full of screaming robots with *your* face on them with boatloads of dead ends while the protagonist shouts "GET OUT! NOW! YOU HAVE TO STOP HER! FIND AN EXIT! NOW!" to your real face. It gets more chaotic the longer time you spend in this room, and you gain this weird sense of urgency when you're lost in there for some time. Eventually you find your exit and walk through a corridor with an aggressively flashing light.
Now here comes the mirror maze. Admittedly my memory on this part is a bit fluffy but I got even more lost than before, but eventually you find your way, the protagonist proclaims that she's getting you an exit and opens a door... sike. The evil RtH robot lady's gathered enough time to delete you from real life now, as the endshow room turns to black and glass is smashed as the final words of the attraction are "You have been... erased". The doors on the other side open to reveal the Black Mirror logo and the exit back to the great outdoors.
It's the definition of Thorpe. This is the perfect indoor attraction for a park that never takes itself seriously, and that's all I have to say.
Have a photo of BML's queue:
Up next immediately after was the Ghost Train, both dark rides in a row as I like to pretend the third doesn't exist with its abhorrent terrible godawful theming overlay.
Ghost Train is a big shame. It has excellent illusions which really are quite clever but the storyline is an utter shambles which falls apart immediately.
So after Derren's quite well done preshow we enter the train after one of the ops tells us to remember the numbers "1, 2, 3, 4". Then we're sent into the train with a faffy VR headset where we start Part 1.
Part 1
So we start with a man telling us I don't remember what, he's got a dog, and then we're in an Underground carriage with other people. Oil monsters decide that it's a good idea to attack the train, killing a few souls in the process. There's a jumpscare, one admittedly got me a bit. But the bit where this section falls apart is that it doesn't give me a feeling of fear nor dread. It just feels... awkward? Like, I end up just feeling bad for the people rather than scared for my life which is what the attraction wants to convey? The shaking & tilting of the train is very well done, but the VR aspect I'm not sold on at all.
Part 1 - My Solution?
So what we need to do is instill genuine fear into the rider. The vast majority of 'events' in this part end up affecting the Virtual People (I'll refer to them as VPs). This ends up with a lot of the section not being affected by what's happening, but rather watching the VPs be affected. There is the occasional interaction with the rider and the monster, but still it's few and far between.
So we have the base, now we need a solution. Short answer, the monsters need to intimidate the rider more often. Not all the time, but more often. Perhaps you hear breathing to your right and a monster's getting up close & personal with you. Perhaps a monster catches you, drags you out of the train, whoops that was just a hallucination you're back in your seat. A monster jumpscares you and goes for the head, suddenly it's gone as that was a hallucination. Perhaps the guy with the dog appears for a split second. There's a lot you can do here.
(It's starting to sound silly now that it's been a few days since I wrote this report, but I hope the idea's still there.)
Part 2
So what happens now is that we're led off the train, shouted at by ops that we need to get off NOW, and, errr, I forgot. We now have to remember the 4 numbers, congratulations we did it we can turn the switch on now. Then something happens I forgot and we're back on the train.
Part 2 - My Solution?
Needs more Derren Brown. By this point I've forgotten completely about him. He needs more involvement throughout the entire ride, and the scarcity of his appearances really feels like... not Derren Brown's ghost train, but rather just
a ghost train.
Part 3
Then we continue to watch monsters attack other people. Suddenly the train falls apart, we teeter on the edge of a lava pit, and we fall to our doooooom. Then we get off and the train carriage has changed! Genuinely not sure on how they did that. Impressive.
Part 4
For the ending we're led into the final room which acts as if we've exited the ride into the shop. Suddenly it turns dark and what appears isn't an animatronic, well it used to be one, but rather a guy in a torn black suit.
Conclusion & My Review
Errrrrrr.... has potential. Yeah, we'll leave it there.
Anyway.
Up next was Depth Charge. It's a decently fun waterslide ride, where are my photos of this?
The day was rounded off with a round of Wild Hog Dodgems, but not before a cheeky third lap on Saw. This photo's from the actual day of my visit. Shocker?
Nice park. Obviously brain cells were fried with the making of the Magic Man Spooky Transit stuff, get ready for the next part which'll max out at a two minute read.
