Voyage de CREDZ en France 17/7/11

[Nic]

Yesterday, Ian, Jake, Ben and myself went on a random credit whoring mission to France. We were 5 mins late checking in for the ferry (sorry, I was desperate for a piss by the time we got to the services at Maidstone) but they still just let us on! Hurrah! There was a "south westerly gale" apparently. It was a bit wobbly, but I've been on worse. Unfortunately the outside bar wasn't open on the ferry (we were on the very new Spirit of Britain, and managed to nab one of the chez longues in the cafe/bar. Yay!)

I decided that I'm too tight to pay tolls, so we set up the sat nav to take us through the back roads. Trouble is, sat nav was unaware that one of the roads was closed sue to the opening of a "nouvelle église". French diversions are crap. I was reminded of our failed excursion to the Beaverhoff on the way to Germany. Anyway.

We arrived at Bal Parc. It's totally as sexy as I imagined from watching the video on their website.

As we were walking down the path to the entrance, we were greeted by a clown who had obviously been taking hairdressing trip from "There's Something About Mary". We paid out €10 each (Yes, €10! and you thought Crealy was bad?!!!) to the typically french old man at the gate, and entered the park. The first thing you see is the play park

It's a shame that's by far the most modern and well-kept thing in the entire park. Worth noting that, beyond there was someone litter picking. They were also dressed as a clown. This place would literally be Tanya's worst nightmare (I wasn't overly impressed with it myself!) As you follow the path round you start to see what the rest of the park is actually like

There were more in the same vein, but I didn't get pictures. The biggest ride at the park is a pirate ship. Even the pirate on the (otherwise pretty standard) sign above it is done up as a clown

There's this cave thing. Inside is some kind of haunted walkthrough thing with tonnes of disco lights. I opted to walk round the outside.

Outside this is a really crap man made boating lake thing. Beyond that was a horse tied to a picnic bench

...which was opposite the CRED!

It didn't make it up the tire lift on the first attempt. As it rolled back into the station, and the restraints popped open, I went to climb out, and got told a resounding "NON!" They then proceeded to give it a push, and off we went! The 2nd lap was entirely unnecessary though.

Next to the cred was some really really seriously ghetto dodgems. The boys went to get into the ones on the far side and were told "Non! Kaput!!!" Yeah, that applied to three quarters of the cars. We eventually found some that apparently worked and off we went. Halfway through, mine conked out. Ben bashed into me, and it started up again. So yeah, after that we left.

We got back in the car and headed off down to the day's main attraction, Dennlys Parc. I had high hopes for this place, and fortunately it didn't disappoint. I found it to be really well maintained and actually pretty lovely. Despite being about the tiniest park I've ever been to, it's got 2 reasonable coasters. First up was Nitro, the Moebius coaster (supposedly similar to Master Thai at Mirabilandia). It looks pretty awesome.

Its such a shame, then, that its absolutely VILE to ride. The corners are mostly pretty forceful (too much so, if you ask me) and there's one horrific bump in the track that jolted me so much I heard my neck click. It looks (and feels) like it was the last piece they bolted in, and it didn't fit properly, so they had to get a hammer out.

BTW, it kept PISSING it down, so sorry, but I've barely got any photos of anything else at the park. It's a shame because, as I say, it was generally fairly well kept, and I bet it'd look lovely on a sunny day.

The other cred is a reasonable size family coaster that goes through some trees and over a pond. Front seat ride is awfully slow (although there's some fairly hefty laterals on the first corner), but its much more fun in the back. Overall, a fun family coaster.

Over the other side of the park, there's some play equipment, and this beautifully themed water play area

There's some cool swingy see-saw type things. They're the sort of thing that I'm sure we used to have in the UK when I was a kid, but 'elf 'n' safety would never allow these days. There's also a people powered wave swinger. I ended up pushing it. It was harder than it looks, though I guess it'd be a bit easier if it didn't have 3 adults sat on it. Ben, Jake and I went on the bumper boats (first time I've been on any of these for literally about 20 years!) It'd have been fun, but we got soaked - not from the splashing, but from the rain! The heavens absolutely opened just as we got on them (and stopped just as we got off!). The gays went on the travelling rapids ride, whilst Ian and I sheltered from another rain shower under a parasol. Then the 3 boys went in the ghost house whilst I had a look at some playmobil models and threw some socks at some old men (I didn't go in, I was too afraid. In fact, you could say I was petrified).

Just before we left, Ben and Jake found a wonky roundabout

So yeah, that was Dennlys. Like I say, tiny but fab. We sat and ate our sandwiches in the car (like proper Brits), then headed to a wine warehouse in Calais (like proper Brits) before heading home. We just managed to squeeze onto the earlier ferry than we had booked which would've got us home at a great time, had we not hit traffic on the M25. Ah well, I can't complain, I was still home in time for Top Gear.

All in all a great day. I'd definitely recommend a trip to Dennlys if you're passing, but avoid Bal Parc unless you're among the most hardened of cred whores (or you particularly want to go somewhere where you'll probably contract a hideous disease)

 

[peep]

Ha, awesome little PTR Nic. Shame I couldn't join you lot, looks like a laugh despite the dirty Bal Parc. Shame to hear about all the rain too, oh well, sounds like a random fun trip.

 

[Hixee]

Apart from the duelling thing, that park looks vile. I don't know if it's just the pictures, but it looks so fun down.

Looks like you had fun though! Thanks for sharing.

 

[Jake]

As usual, a fab weekend with many laughs!

I forgot to charge my phone, thus it died before we left Dover, so I only have a couple of irrelevant photos.

Vadge on the fab sofa we nabbed on the ferry <3

A 'Sue' cocktail <3

Yeah, Bal Parc was a total dump <3.

As for Denny's, the red cred was fun in a vicious way (like the Ultimate), and the Soquet thing was INSANE in the back.

Other highlights were the travelling rapids (which are always amazing <3) and the people powered Wave Swinger which was just... strange.


Oh, and...

nouvelle église

... was the name of the actual Village!


Sorry for the lame report, but I had to post just to say how fab the day was <3.

 

[Nic]

Apart from the duelling thing, that park looks vile. I don't know if it's just the pictures, but it looks so fun down.

LOL! Someone stopped reading halfway through....

 

[Hixee]

Apart from the duelling thing, that park looks vile. I don't know if it's just the pictures, but it looks so fun down.

LOL! Someone stopped reading halfway through....

Nope, both places looked worn out.

 

[Ian]

I won't bore you with the travel side of things. It was a fun part of the trip, but the parks are the important things when it comes to a trip report imo. I will post a few private in-jokes to to be annoying: Boat Boner, "Am I massive fag?", Pride of Brighton, Pride of Burdendey, Scones, Sugar "sashay" away, Boy/Girl/Dyke, Car Boner, "It's CREDday, CREDday, gotta get CREDS on CREDday!", "It's as arid as ********'s vadge!" At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Anyway, on with the parks...

The first CRED ticking was courtesy of Bal Parc about 30mins from the Calais ferry terminal. It's a DUMP. Seriously, it's awful. Imagine a Butlins holiday camp inside Camelot theme park on a Glaswegian council estate and you'll get the idea.

After paying our €10 to the miserable Frenchman, we wandered towards the CRED.

The park has a play area (I didn't look for used needles, but it wouldn't surprise me if there were some) and several travelling rides. No effort with theme, just plonk-and-play.

There was this quirky cave thing, which I thought was quite fab. Certainly the best attraction there imo. It's basically a tacky cave style walkthru with scary features, including a bat-on-a-string.

We continued past the man-made lake towards the CRED.

Aha! CRED!

It's called Montagne du Dragon (Dragon Coaster) and is a "Super Nessie" coaster. It's an off the shelf model, several British members may have been on clones at Rhyl, Gullivers Matlock/Warrington and Flamingoland.

We rode the CRED. It didn't make it up the lift hill on the first attempt thanks to our combined weight, but with a little push, we managed to get two circuits.

Here's a photo of a "comedy" sign that says "BRAS" Hahaha, you can see photos of other "comedy" signs on other theme park reviewing websites.

There's also inflatable attractions and a horse ride for youngsters.

We did the slow-ass dodgems as well.

A quick group photo... (without me as I'm taking it). Jake is the cock, Vadge is the rabbit and Ben is the ducky.

We didn't ride anything else, but Ben and Vadge used the loo before we left. Vadge was convinced it would be a "squat & drop". Here are a few photos of Bal Parc.

And then we left for emergency rabies injections and Dennlys.

In the six years that I've been a keen theme park enthusiast, I have never visited a park as terrible as Bal Parc. It's ugly, boring and damn right skanky. Even the loltastic cave thing doesn't redeem it. Usually I like small, independent parks because they have a charm to them. Bal Park was certainly unique. Uniquely vile. The only good thing about Bal Parc is that it knocks Camelot off the top spot on my list of Worst Theme Parks.

I'll write up Dennlys a bit later on.

 

[tks]

Le crack Ben.

 

[Nic]

And then we left for emergency rabies injections and Dennlys.

In the six years that I've been a keen theme park enthusiast, I have never visited a park as terrible as Bal Parc. It's ugly, boring and damn right skanky. Even the loltastic cave thing doesn't redeem it. Usually I like small, independent parks because they have a charm to them. Bal Park was certainly unique. Uniquely vile. The only good thing about Bal Parc is that it knocks Camelot off the top spot on my list of Worst Theme Parks.

Seriously. We're not kidding. I cannot stress just how AWFUL Bal Parc really is.

Oh, and lolz

 

[Ian]

Dennlys Park is about 45mins from Calais and it's €13.50 to get in. That's €6.75 per CRED!

First impressions count and Dennlys' was rather nice. There's a castle style entrance that immediately banished all thoughts of Getto Bal Park from my mind.

After the entrance, the prettiness continues. Everything is really well kept. The pathways are wide, clean and even. They are neatly edged by quaint flower beds and luscious grass. They've even made an effort inside the main restaurant. So far so good!

It's a family park and they pimped up the park to suit. Plenty of colourful family rides are dotted throughout.

Anyway, the CREDS!

First up is Nitro. It's a mobius duelling/racing coaster (basically a **** up figure-of-eight coaster).

Aside from the lift hill and the first drops, the ride doesn't actually duel or race and both cars finished within yards of each other.

It's incredibly ugly to look at (the supports are horrible) and it rides as rough as toothless chav after he's instilled vodka via his eyeball. Jake mentioned it has a "fun roughness" like The Ultimate but I don't agree with that. I found it terrible to ride and can't think of anything redeeming to say about it.

Here's a POV.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E1mIlDRUuY[/youtube]

The other CRED is called Furio. It's a mine train coaster built by French manufactures Soquet. I like Soquet coasters. They have a element of fun to them - take Bazouk at Bagatelle for example. They also tend to be vibrating bottom coasters.

It looks great set beside large tress inside a landscaped area. Loads of twists, hills and colour. It had one of those annoying mine train fronts so I couldn't get a POV, but here are a few onride photos.

I enjoyed it! The first drop is really great at the back! I was squashed by Vadge which is always a pleasure. It's not thrilling but it's fun and well paced. Two laps per ride.

With both CREDS under our belts, we checked out the rest of the park. It's really small. It's a circular pathway with rides well positioned around/inside it. You could probably walk an entire lap of the park in about five minuets.

Memories of Danish theme parks came flooding back when I saw the play area! There are big suspended sea-saws...

...and big stand up ones, too!

They've even got massive hamster wheels!

Jake spotted a inclined roundabout, which looked to dizzifying for me.

I've never seen one of these before - manually powered chairswings! Vadge did a good job!

Sticking with the interactive stuff, there are two water pumps on a Health & Safety Void catwalk. Pump te water to make the water spray up. Unfortunately they weren't working

By my reckoning, there are only two water rides at Dennlys. First up are the Bumper Boats.

There's also a travelling rapids ride. If it's anything like the one at Lightwater, it's fab. Vadge and I sat out, but Jake and ben gave it a go. Apparently it was fab.

Our final attraction of the day was the haunted house walkthu. It was slightly spoilt by some stupid woman (probably called Edith :wink who insisted on taking a pushchair through. What the stupid bitch didn't realise is that it's PITCH black inside and has narrow corridors.

There are no sound effects (which would help) and the only light is from the dimly illuminated spooky objects. It's so dark inside that I walked face first into a wall.

And that's Dennlys. It's a really lovely park, well worth a visit imo. It would be a perfect day out for a young family. It would also be a good CF-Live park. Even though I only did a few rides, I felt like I got good value for money. The 90mins or so that we spent there was enough to ride everything worthwhile.

Three CREDS added to my coaster count, amazing company and 33 bottles of cheap French supermarket wine. What a brilliant day out!

 

[Martyn B]

Great pics, sounds like you had a good time. Are you sure Dennlys is nice, or was it that Bal Parc was bad, anything would look nice compared?

I decided that I'm too tight to pay tolls

Where abouts is that? The only toll I can ever remember coming across near Calais, is that weird speeding toll on that main road to Paris (I was a passenger, many years ago).

 

[Nic]

Its a motorway. In France. It has tolls. As it was, we wouldn't have hit the toll on the way to Bal Parc anyway, as it wasn't until past there, so we had to pay it between there and Dennlys anyway. We also just paid it on the way back.

I just noticed something. Nitro used to have a fairground style open platform! I think it looks much better with the barn style station building IMO. I wonder why they did that?

Video from manufacturer's YT channel
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kw2E5qMWDA[/youtube]
Platform shown from 0:50

 

[gavin]

It didn't make it up the lift hill on the first attempt thanks to our combined weight.

Ben's such a fat cow.

 

[marc]

So I am the only one who spotted Ben with builders bum lol.

Looks like you had a good time, and yet again it probably cost you less than heading up north for parks.

 

[nadroJ]

Urgh, I hate how uncomfortable I get inside gross parks like Bal Parc. On one hand I feel sorry for them because they're SO **** that nobody comes to them, therefore they make no money, therefore they have no money to invest etc. On the other hand, if they put in more effort with just sprucing things up here and there it CAN go a long way and may have made a different impression on you guys (or anyone visiting) if there was just a little bit of effort and care apparent. But obviously not. Dennlys looks fun, I'd pop in there for the creds if I was ever over that way.

 

[Dave]

What exactly is going on with these bogies on the trains...