Jarrett
Most Obnoxious Member 2016
So with summer ending and me getting ready to get back to the grind and finally walk away with my engineering degree, I thought I'd take my last week of freedom to visit my girlfriend up in Canada one last time. We wanted to do a park and considering how Canada's Wonderland, her home park, was on the plate for September anyway, Darien Lake in New York was the next best choice. She had been there with friends earlier this year and didn't have very nice things to say about it, but we were in the vicinity so decided to go through with it.
Day 1
I woke up stupid early because I couldn't sleep, got pizza and wings for breakfast, and got on the road to Canada. It was pretty easy for the most part, bar some traffic in Toledo. When I got to the border, the border patrol officer asked me where I was going, so I explained to him that I was visiting my girlfriend and going to Darien Lake. He asked me how we met. I told him it was through a mutual friend in the online roller coaster community. His response? "So you've been to Cedar Point this year? How's Valravn?" So we talked coasters and I told him about my passion for a good five minutes and then he let me on through. After the offensive stretch of truck traffic that is Huron Church, I got onto the 401 and headed on to Emily's!
Upon getting there, I got into her apartment and crashed, demanding an aspirin for a pounding headache. She was nice enough to make us chicken fingers and milk. Afterwards, we went over to her very cool nana's place and made some of her family's famous stuffed pasta shells. So we ate that and both of them threw shade at the US (not to say I didn't agree) over that, watched her horrible neighbor and had a stare down through the kitchen window that ended with the three of us laughing until we cried, and Emily and I headed back to her place.
After that, we went to her apartment's pool and swam around some. I've been getting back into swimming and got a little carried away, sprinting down this pool that wasn't even the right size and flip turning and junk. It was awesome, all I needed was to urinate on a gas station and get the cops called and I would be an Olympian. So after that we went upstairs for some more chicken and pasta. She wanted to stay up but I just kind of passed out.
Day 2
Emily woke up really late but we got on the road at a semi-reasonable time. We got on the road and grabbed poutine at an On Route along the way. It took us forever to get there, there was a minor backup at the border, and I had data service issues that forced me to kill my phone and just use screenshots of the GPS as directions. The guy at the border was surprisingly nice (as they were at this crossing last time we took it) and we got on the road along a countryside of cow manure and Trump signs. Finally, we were there!
Here we go!
I have to admit, I liked the rustic architectural accents around the park. This is a pretty entrance for what it is.
First up was Predator, a coaster Emily swears is the worst woodie she's been on. She wasn't even lenient about it, she forced me to sit in the back to get maximum pain out of it for her enjoyment.
OWWW!!!! Kids, if your significant other forces you to ride this, you are in an abusive relationship! This coaster is terrible, worst wooden coaster I've been on that hasn't been torn down! The bottoms of those hills just beat the living daylights out of you, my vision went blurry it was so bad! This could be the next Wicked Cyclone if Lake Monster were a thing, but the park won't even spring for that. Rating: AVOID AT ALL COSTS
Ride of Steel was next! Probably the only cred I was even curious about. Not even excited for having heard reviews and knowing the layout doesn't do much, but curious.
No wait outside the station...but the brain dead ride ops were taking their sweet time and taking ten minutes to get a train out. On one train ops.
Coming into the station I caught a quick engineer boner over how close you were to the magnetic brakes.
You could actually watch the magnetic side brakes disengage, it was actually really cool. This would be the perfect place to do one of those coaster scavenger hunts they do at ACE events and such.
Oh look, another nerd shot!
Well well! Emily was telling me this thing had no airtime, not only did this ride surprise me but it surprised both of us! We rode in the second to front row (behind two idiots that kept slapping the fiberglass of the train thinking it made them cool) and got a really good ride. You can tell it's an older Intamin, there's quite a bit of rattle to it in some spots, and some parts of the layout are flat out useless. That first airtime hill, that exit from the second helix, and the final two hills had some really nice Fury-esque ejector to them, albeit it wasn't very sustained. The coaster does next to nothing, but the few moments of the ride it decides to actually do something it does something wonderful. Rating: That lazy high schooler that's smart and has potential but is flunking out because he chooses not to do jack.
Love this coaster, I'd give it top thirty or forty, maybe lower bits of my top twenty. However, the ride simply needs to do more to be world class. Replace one of those helices with a Phantom-style inclined overbank and add a hill out of the first helix (though some of that water skimming action was cool (though whatever was floating around in that water is probably the CDC's worst nightmare), keep that but kick it off with an ejector hill) and it might stand a chance of coming close to its tech-savvy cousin in Massachusetts.
Walking past a closed boomerang and taking a spite for now, we headed to Motocoaster when I couldn't help but notice that this view, without certain things, could be gorgeous.
The buildings in this section of the park were so nice! A bit more atmosphere and it could be the Silver Dollar City of the Adirondacks! Come on, Darien, stop letting your park decay!
Here we are! My first motocoaster and redemption for the Pony Express spite I endured at KBF in 2014!
First half of the ride was awesome, we got the front, and that motorcycle seat really augments the aggression of an otherwise not aggressive layout. However, halfway through the ride was where I started to feel it. I was straddling the saddle as we went around when I felt an offending sensation from down below. I was puzzled for a bit before I realized just what was happening.
My balls were being crushed.
As I felt a crushing, aching sensation from below the belt I let out a bloodcurdling wail in distress. While I would like to think the clientele of Darien Lake would be kind enough to help any human being with those animalistic noises coming from them, I was on a moving machine strapped into a device against my will with no way to unlock it, leaving the Darien Lake public unable to assist me. Emily just spent the entire second half of the ride laughing at my agony, as any good girlfriend would do, probably counting her blessings that while women have to deal with sexism, income inequality, and a bunch of other things, one thing she would never ever have to experience was the situation I was in causing me to loudly cry in agony. Finally, the coaster decided to give me a break, got us to the station, and released. And I walked to the rest of the creds like a penguin. Rating: Girls Only
As I penguin waddled to Viper, I looked at an Arrow looper that looked pretty pointless, seeing it as just a loop and a batwing pretty much. However, when we got there, I could tell there was a bit more to it, with a corkscrew coming close to the queue. Sadly, we got up there and saw a wait that would probably take an hour at the rate they were dispatching trains.
We prayed too the Larson Loop for guidance and it revealed to us where to go next through its hoop of hope.
An equally ridiculous wait, but we put up with it. And it wasn't even worth it. But we got a cred. And an awful one to boot. Flight Deck at Wonderland (currently has the honor of being the worst coaster I've ridden) has a lot of headbanging, Mind Eraser at SFNE had a lot of jackhammering to the back of the head, this was kind of like those two had a child they beat that almost came close to breaking the abuse cycle. This had a bit of both headbanging to the side and jackhammering forward and backwards, though neither are even nearly as bad about it as the two SLCs I have below it. Throw in the shabby maintenance and one train ops and you have easily the worst coaster in the park! The only redeeming quality it had was its waterside location and the fact that it wasn't jackhammering as badly as Mind Eraser or headbanging as badly as Flight Deck. Other than that it's just a hunk of junk. Rating: Kill it with fire before it lays eggs
We went back to Viper to see a two train wait for it, to our pleasant surprise. So we got on it, being I think my only new Arrow cred this year. Sadly to say, it wasn't a very good one. It was better than Vortex and I could tell it had potential to be one of the better ones, but the way they refuse to maintain their crap it just alternated between being a tolerable Arrow and beating me to death. I loved that helix after the corkscrews I didn't know about, but some transitions and parts of that batwing were nothing short of offensive. Rating: Not Arrow's finest work
Had to get a picture of the most Canadian ride ever, Moose on the Loose! Emily grabbed some ice water as I tried to concoct a sob story to coax the ride ops into letting me on Hoot 'n Holler, but sadly manufacturer requirements put the wabash on that. Parents can't even ride with their kids on this one, I knew I had no chance, and I knew what I was about to do would make Emily really mad. So I accepted the Hoot 'n Holler spite and headed off.
Hearing that it was back up, Emily and I headed to Boomerang to clean out what we could. She told me it was a pretty bad one so I prepared for the worst. We were able to walk onto it in the last empty row, which was good, so no waiting for a crap cred if it was as bad as Mind Eraser or Predator. Fortunately, it actually wasn't as bad. The experience was very similar to Zoomerang at Compounce, minimal headbanging, and a really solid ride. I still liked Zoomerang better simply because it's the prettiest boomerang in some of my favorite colors and the Darien one had a bit of jerk coming into the cobra roll. Amazingly, this ended up being my second favorite in the park! Rating: Could have been way worse
Because Emily thinks birds are like the cutest thing ever she had to go try and make friends with the ducks, even though they were probably infected with swine flu, e. coli, crabs, mad cow, ebola, SARS, and anything else that calls the waters of Darien Lake home.
They actually let you get really close to them, I hardly had to zoom to get this shot.
We went for a spot of tat shopping when I noticed this shirt. While I would definitely give it to Viper, I have to say that it's like the idiots that fight in the parking lot of my work at 3 in the morning. Even if you win you're still a pathetic scumbag that will always take away from society just by existing. And the fact that they used a picture of Phoenix for Predator is grotesquely offensive and Knoebels should sue and take over this place.
After that we got on the road and headed back to Canada. The drive was fairly boring, but for the third time ever we got hopelessly lost in Hamilton switching from the QEW to Lincoln Alexander. I got us back to London around 10 for us to bond over pasta and go to sleep together.
Day 3
I woke up with my neck on fire thanks to Predator. Emily helped me get packed and on the road. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye and watched her walk away, as we screamed horrible things to each other, I was calling her Skyslut as she called me Banshee Boy. So I got out of London, dealt with some really annoying traffic and a construction backup at the border, and got home in one piece. And then had to deal with a throbbing neck on my feet at work, thank you Predator.
What a way to end the summer! Had a wonderful time doing this with Emily and spending time with her. Creds were pretty bad but we still had a good time! While I won't be going back to this park until Fred, Alan, and their buddies turn it into their playground, I'll still be going to Canada for creds again very soon for ACE Canada's Rollercoasters, Eh event in three weeks! Can't wait to do more with Emily, she's such an awesome girlfriend and best friend and my favorite person to go for crap creds with!
Day 1
I woke up stupid early because I couldn't sleep, got pizza and wings for breakfast, and got on the road to Canada. It was pretty easy for the most part, bar some traffic in Toledo. When I got to the border, the border patrol officer asked me where I was going, so I explained to him that I was visiting my girlfriend and going to Darien Lake. He asked me how we met. I told him it was through a mutual friend in the online roller coaster community. His response? "So you've been to Cedar Point this year? How's Valravn?" So we talked coasters and I told him about my passion for a good five minutes and then he let me on through. After the offensive stretch of truck traffic that is Huron Church, I got onto the 401 and headed on to Emily's!
Upon getting there, I got into her apartment and crashed, demanding an aspirin for a pounding headache. She was nice enough to make us chicken fingers and milk. Afterwards, we went over to her very cool nana's place and made some of her family's famous stuffed pasta shells. So we ate that and both of them threw shade at the US (not to say I didn't agree) over that, watched her horrible neighbor and had a stare down through the kitchen window that ended with the three of us laughing until we cried, and Emily and I headed back to her place.
After that, we went to her apartment's pool and swam around some. I've been getting back into swimming and got a little carried away, sprinting down this pool that wasn't even the right size and flip turning and junk. It was awesome, all I needed was to urinate on a gas station and get the cops called and I would be an Olympian. So after that we went upstairs for some more chicken and pasta. She wanted to stay up but I just kind of passed out.
Day 2
Emily woke up really late but we got on the road at a semi-reasonable time. We got on the road and grabbed poutine at an On Route along the way. It took us forever to get there, there was a minor backup at the border, and I had data service issues that forced me to kill my phone and just use screenshots of the GPS as directions. The guy at the border was surprisingly nice (as they were at this crossing last time we took it) and we got on the road along a countryside of cow manure and Trump signs. Finally, we were there!
Here we go!
I have to admit, I liked the rustic architectural accents around the park. This is a pretty entrance for what it is.
First up was Predator, a coaster Emily swears is the worst woodie she's been on. She wasn't even lenient about it, she forced me to sit in the back to get maximum pain out of it for her enjoyment.
OWWW!!!! Kids, if your significant other forces you to ride this, you are in an abusive relationship! This coaster is terrible, worst wooden coaster I've been on that hasn't been torn down! The bottoms of those hills just beat the living daylights out of you, my vision went blurry it was so bad! This could be the next Wicked Cyclone if Lake Monster were a thing, but the park won't even spring for that. Rating: AVOID AT ALL COSTS
Ride of Steel was next! Probably the only cred I was even curious about. Not even excited for having heard reviews and knowing the layout doesn't do much, but curious.
No wait outside the station...but the brain dead ride ops were taking their sweet time and taking ten minutes to get a train out. On one train ops.
Coming into the station I caught a quick engineer boner over how close you were to the magnetic brakes.
You could actually watch the magnetic side brakes disengage, it was actually really cool. This would be the perfect place to do one of those coaster scavenger hunts they do at ACE events and such.
Oh look, another nerd shot!
Well well! Emily was telling me this thing had no airtime, not only did this ride surprise me but it surprised both of us! We rode in the second to front row (behind two idiots that kept slapping the fiberglass of the train thinking it made them cool) and got a really good ride. You can tell it's an older Intamin, there's quite a bit of rattle to it in some spots, and some parts of the layout are flat out useless. That first airtime hill, that exit from the second helix, and the final two hills had some really nice Fury-esque ejector to them, albeit it wasn't very sustained. The coaster does next to nothing, but the few moments of the ride it decides to actually do something it does something wonderful. Rating: That lazy high schooler that's smart and has potential but is flunking out because he chooses not to do jack.
Love this coaster, I'd give it top thirty or forty, maybe lower bits of my top twenty. However, the ride simply needs to do more to be world class. Replace one of those helices with a Phantom-style inclined overbank and add a hill out of the first helix (though some of that water skimming action was cool (though whatever was floating around in that water is probably the CDC's worst nightmare), keep that but kick it off with an ejector hill) and it might stand a chance of coming close to its tech-savvy cousin in Massachusetts.
Walking past a closed boomerang and taking a spite for now, we headed to Motocoaster when I couldn't help but notice that this view, without certain things, could be gorgeous.
The buildings in this section of the park were so nice! A bit more atmosphere and it could be the Silver Dollar City of the Adirondacks! Come on, Darien, stop letting your park decay!
Here we are! My first motocoaster and redemption for the Pony Express spite I endured at KBF in 2014!
First half of the ride was awesome, we got the front, and that motorcycle seat really augments the aggression of an otherwise not aggressive layout. However, halfway through the ride was where I started to feel it. I was straddling the saddle as we went around when I felt an offending sensation from down below. I was puzzled for a bit before I realized just what was happening.
My balls were being crushed.
As I felt a crushing, aching sensation from below the belt I let out a bloodcurdling wail in distress. While I would like to think the clientele of Darien Lake would be kind enough to help any human being with those animalistic noises coming from them, I was on a moving machine strapped into a device against my will with no way to unlock it, leaving the Darien Lake public unable to assist me. Emily just spent the entire second half of the ride laughing at my agony, as any good girlfriend would do, probably counting her blessings that while women have to deal with sexism, income inequality, and a bunch of other things, one thing she would never ever have to experience was the situation I was in causing me to loudly cry in agony. Finally, the coaster decided to give me a break, got us to the station, and released. And I walked to the rest of the creds like a penguin. Rating: Girls Only
As I penguin waddled to Viper, I looked at an Arrow looper that looked pretty pointless, seeing it as just a loop and a batwing pretty much. However, when we got there, I could tell there was a bit more to it, with a corkscrew coming close to the queue. Sadly, we got up there and saw a wait that would probably take an hour at the rate they were dispatching trains.
We prayed too the Larson Loop for guidance and it revealed to us where to go next through its hoop of hope.
An equally ridiculous wait, but we put up with it. And it wasn't even worth it. But we got a cred. And an awful one to boot. Flight Deck at Wonderland (currently has the honor of being the worst coaster I've ridden) has a lot of headbanging, Mind Eraser at SFNE had a lot of jackhammering to the back of the head, this was kind of like those two had a child they beat that almost came close to breaking the abuse cycle. This had a bit of both headbanging to the side and jackhammering forward and backwards, though neither are even nearly as bad about it as the two SLCs I have below it. Throw in the shabby maintenance and one train ops and you have easily the worst coaster in the park! The only redeeming quality it had was its waterside location and the fact that it wasn't jackhammering as badly as Mind Eraser or headbanging as badly as Flight Deck. Other than that it's just a hunk of junk. Rating: Kill it with fire before it lays eggs
We went back to Viper to see a two train wait for it, to our pleasant surprise. So we got on it, being I think my only new Arrow cred this year. Sadly to say, it wasn't a very good one. It was better than Vortex and I could tell it had potential to be one of the better ones, but the way they refuse to maintain their crap it just alternated between being a tolerable Arrow and beating me to death. I loved that helix after the corkscrews I didn't know about, but some transitions and parts of that batwing were nothing short of offensive. Rating: Not Arrow's finest work
Had to get a picture of the most Canadian ride ever, Moose on the Loose! Emily grabbed some ice water as I tried to concoct a sob story to coax the ride ops into letting me on Hoot 'n Holler, but sadly manufacturer requirements put the wabash on that. Parents can't even ride with their kids on this one, I knew I had no chance, and I knew what I was about to do would make Emily really mad. So I accepted the Hoot 'n Holler spite and headed off.
Hearing that it was back up, Emily and I headed to Boomerang to clean out what we could. She told me it was a pretty bad one so I prepared for the worst. We were able to walk onto it in the last empty row, which was good, so no waiting for a crap cred if it was as bad as Mind Eraser or Predator. Fortunately, it actually wasn't as bad. The experience was very similar to Zoomerang at Compounce, minimal headbanging, and a really solid ride. I still liked Zoomerang better simply because it's the prettiest boomerang in some of my favorite colors and the Darien one had a bit of jerk coming into the cobra roll. Amazingly, this ended up being my second favorite in the park! Rating: Could have been way worse
Because Emily thinks birds are like the cutest thing ever she had to go try and make friends with the ducks, even though they were probably infected with swine flu, e. coli, crabs, mad cow, ebola, SARS, and anything else that calls the waters of Darien Lake home.
They actually let you get really close to them, I hardly had to zoom to get this shot.
We went for a spot of tat shopping when I noticed this shirt. While I would definitely give it to Viper, I have to say that it's like the idiots that fight in the parking lot of my work at 3 in the morning. Even if you win you're still a pathetic scumbag that will always take away from society just by existing. And the fact that they used a picture of Phoenix for Predator is grotesquely offensive and Knoebels should sue and take over this place.
After that we got on the road and headed back to Canada. The drive was fairly boring, but for the third time ever we got hopelessly lost in Hamilton switching from the QEW to Lincoln Alexander. I got us back to London around 10 for us to bond over pasta and go to sleep together.
Day 3
I woke up with my neck on fire thanks to Predator. Emily helped me get packed and on the road. I hugged her and kissed her goodbye and watched her walk away, as we screamed horrible things to each other, I was calling her Skyslut as she called me Banshee Boy. So I got out of London, dealt with some really annoying traffic and a construction backup at the border, and got home in one piece. And then had to deal with a throbbing neck on my feet at work, thank you Predator.
What a way to end the summer! Had a wonderful time doing this with Emily and spending time with her. Creds were pretty bad but we still had a good time! While I won't be going back to this park until Fred, Alan, and their buddies turn it into their playground, I'll still be going to Canada for creds again very soon for ACE Canada's Rollercoasters, Eh event in three weeks! Can't wait to do more with Emily, she's such an awesome girlfriend and best friend and my favorite person to go for crap creds with!
